A friend of mine asked me to do this - a short write up on how a man can know for certain that the woman he has chosen to marry is THE ONE. He says that since I have recently acquired for myself a wife, I would be in a better position to enlighten a single brother in identifying or knowing for sure whether the one he is currently with is THE ONE.
Ter (that’s my friend’s name); first of all there isn’t any formula to knowing whether the woman you are dating is THE ONE. For real, man. I’m not going to tell you that God revealed it to me in a dream after a few days of dry fasting or through my pastor or my mother’s best friend’s cousin. Oh no. It doesn’t come easy. The truth is you pick your life partner based on a number of reasons, mostly selfish ones of course. Believe me, that’s what I did.
Backing up a little, I suggest you read the article “What Men Want” on my blog to understand where I’m coming from. You see, people erroneously think men and women get married because of the feeling of butterflies in their tummies when they are with each other or the euphoric, passionate feelings shared between them. Wrong. Sometimes, It’s mostly the practical things that count. Do you have shared interests? Do you have parallel goals? Are you supportive of her pursuing a career in art? Does she make you want to be a better person? Is she helping you fulfill your emotional and psychological needs? Is he a better manager than you are? Will you be a good father figure to her children? Can either of you make a major sacrifice in order to make the other happy? What I’m saying is that you base your decisions on the practical functions of the ‘partnership’ because that is what it is – a partnership. A partnership that works easily leads to solemnization of the union.
Before you say I’m trying to sell you some horseshit think about this: men and women also get married for different reasons. The first and most tenable reason is “She’s pregnant”, (sound familiar, anyone?). Another is, “Oh! He’s from my hometown”; or “Our families have been great friends for years”; or “My biological clock was ticking fast so when George asked I didn’t hesitate to say yes”. More examples follow:
“He’s quite wealthy; he works with an oil company!”
‘She’s exactly what I want in a woman.’
And the ubiquitous, “I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”
There are a lot more reasons I’m sure you have come across and the thing is majority of them are selfish!
Ter, what happens is that for whatever reason you decide to take someone as your wife and you go ahead to propose to her, from that day she begins to ‘feel’ like THE ONE. For some people this ‘feeling’ even occurs way before the proposal! Have you not been in a relationship that you were so sure was going to the altar and then all of a sudden you guys break up and the relationship is irreparably irreconcilable? What happened to the ‘feelings’ of assuredness? Truth is, finding and choosing whom you are going to marry is sometimes like deciding whether or not to take that job offer or not. Think about it: you’ve been in school all your life, you study a particular ‘course’, graduate and begin the ‘job hunt’. You apply to all the best places and get rejected by some (or all). You keep trying and based on your ‘qualifications’ you get invited for that test or interview to see if you are what they are looking for. You on the other hand might have just ‘applied’, trying your luck to see if they will pity you and take you in. Then you get the offer! But you ask yourself “Is this what I want?” No? You then go ahead to reject the offer. Or you actually take the offer and three months down the line you tell yourself that you should have been a bit more patient as the job is not as fantastic as you thought it might be; besides there’s an opening at Microsoft. Or you just found out that you would rather be in ‘entertainment’ instead of ‘finance’. Thankfully, for some people, they know that the job’s right for them and go into it head-on, sometimes they are so sure that they are even willing to sign employment bonds!
So Ter, I cannot tell you if the woman you are with currently is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Choosing a partner is like every (major) decision in life, you have to use more of your head than your heart or your hormones! Do I buy now or do I sell? Do I go to work today or not? Do I study Medicine or Dentistry? Do I vote for Obama or McCain? But I’ll tell you this: be selfish, think of yourself first. Again, that’s what I did!
Okay, before my wife reads this and all hell is let loose, I think it will be expedient for me to explain what I mean by being selfish. I had been in a few relationships before I met my wife and some of them were filled with emotional blackmail and drama of all kinds where I had to work extra hard to make them work. I set out to please and please and please; always putting them first and suffering for it at the same time. Men excuse it and say “It’s part of the runs.” Yeah right, if that is what you want to call it! Me? I put my foot down and decided to put myself first. Yes, I was called selfish but it was no skin off my nose. I saw what I wanted and went for it, not at all costs but at a calculated cost. And see now I’m reaping the rewards.
So Ter, the natural question you would want to ask is “So, is my wife THE ONE?” Mmmm… that’s like asking if Jesus is the Son of God, you know. There is only so far logic and tangible factors can take you. It gets to a point where faith steps in. Like the Lighthouse Family song goes ‘Baby I know you’re the first thing I believe in honestly/ how the earth grows/ what you can’t see/ but it’s a question of faith!/ Baby I know you’re the first thing I believe in honestly/ said you don’t know enough about me/ but it’s a question of faith!’ I totally believe in her, who she is, what she stands for and the role she plays in my life. I don’t think anyone else can be her in my life. I’m addicted to her and I love her. And oh yes, she changed me.
So in conclusion Ter, do you believe in her? Is she THE ONE?
Dude!
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