Knowing She’s The One

A friend of mine asked me to do this - a short write up on how a man can know for certain that the woman he has chosen to marry is THE ONE. He says that since I have recently acquired for myself a wife, I would be in a better position to enlighten a single brother in identifying or knowing for sure whether the one he is currently with is THE ONE.

Ter (that’s my friend’s name); first of all there isn’t any formula to knowing whether the woman you are dating is THE ONE. For real, man. I’m not going to tell you that God revealed it to me in a dream after a few days of dry fasting or through my pastor or my mother’s best friend’s cousin. Oh no. It doesn’t come easy. The truth is you pick your life partner based on a number of reasons, mostly selfish ones of course. Believe me, that’s what I did.

Backing up a little, I suggest you read the article “What Men Want” on my blog to understand where I’m coming from. You see, people erroneously think men and women get married because of the feeling of butterflies in their tummies when they are with each other or the euphoric, passionate feelings shared between them. Wrong. Sometimes, It’s mostly the practical things that count. Do you have shared interests? Do you have parallel goals? Are you supportive of her pursuing a career in art? Does she make you want to be a better person? Is she helping you fulfill your emotional and psychological needs? Is he a better manager than you are? Will you be a good father figure to her children? Can either of you make a major sacrifice in order to make the other happy? What I’m saying is that you base your decisions on the practical functions of the ‘partnership’ because that is what it is – a partnership. A partnership that works easily leads to solemnization of the union.

Before you say I’m trying to sell you some horseshit think about this: men and women also get married for different reasons. The first and most tenable reason is “She’s pregnant”, (sound familiar, anyone?). Another is, “Oh! He’s from my hometown”; or “Our families have been great friends for years”; or “My biological clock was ticking fast so when George asked I didn’t hesitate to say yes”. More examples follow:
“He’s quite wealthy; he works with an oil company!”
‘She’s exactly what I want in a woman.’
And the ubiquitous, “I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”


There are a lot more reasons I’m sure you have come across and the thing is majority of them are selfish!

Ter, what happens is that for whatever reason you decide to take someone as your wife and you go ahead to propose to her, from that day she begins to ‘feel’ like THE ONE. For some people this ‘feeling’ even occurs way before the proposal! Have you not been in a relationship that you were so sure was going to the altar and then all of a sudden you guys break up and the relationship is irreparably irreconcilable? What happened to the ‘feelings’ of assuredness? Truth is, finding and choosing whom you are going to marry is sometimes like deciding whether or not to take that job offer or not. Think about it: you’ve been in school all your life, you study a particular ‘course’, graduate and begin the ‘job hunt’. You apply to all the best places and get rejected by some (or all). You keep trying and based on your ‘qualifications’ you get invited for that test or interview to see if you are what they are looking for. You on the other hand might have just ‘applied’, trying your luck to see if they will pity you and take you in. Then you get the offer! But you ask yourself “Is this what I want?” No? You then go ahead to reject the offer. Or you actually take the offer and three months down the line you tell yourself that you should have been a bit more patient as the job is not as fantastic as you thought it might be; besides there’s an opening at Microsoft. Or you just found out that you would rather be in ‘entertainment’ instead of ‘finance’. Thankfully, for some people, they know that the job’s right for them and go into it head-on, sometimes they are so sure that they are even willing to sign employment bonds!

So Ter, I cannot tell you if the woman you are with currently is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Choosing a partner is like every (major) decision in life, you have to use more of your head than your heart or your hormones! Do I buy now or do I sell? Do I go to work today or not? Do I study Medicine or Dentistry? Do I vote for Obama or McCain? But I’ll tell you this: be selfish, think of yourself first. Again, that’s what I did!

Okay, before my wife reads this and all hell is let loose, I think it will be expedient for me to explain what I mean by being selfish. I had been in a few relationships before I met my wife and some of them were filled with emotional blackmail and drama of all kinds where I had to work extra hard to make them work. I set out to please and please and please; always putting them first and suffering for it at the same time. Men excuse it and say “It’s part of the runs.” Yeah right, if that is what you want to call it! Me? I put my foot down and decided to put myself first. Yes, I was called selfish but it was no skin off my nose. I saw what I wanted and went for it, not at all costs but at a calculated cost. And see now I’m reaping the rewards.

So Ter, the natural question you would want to ask is “So, is my wife THE ONE?” Mmmm… that’s like asking if Jesus is the Son of God, you know. There is only so far logic and tangible factors can take you. It gets to a point where faith steps in. Like the Lighthouse Family song goes ‘Baby I know you’re the first thing I believe in honestly/ how the earth grows/ what you can’t see/ but it’s a question of faith!/ Baby I know you’re the first thing I believe in honestly/ said you don’t know enough about me/ but it’s a question of faith!’ I totally believe in her, who she is, what she stands for and the role she plays in my life. I don’t think anyone else can be her in my life. I’m addicted to her and I love her. And oh yes, she changed me.

So in conclusion Ter, do you believe in her? Is she THE ONE?

In Defence of Big Beautiful Women

For many years we have been inundated with the idea of the perfect woman. I am sure that as you read this, you have already conjured in your mind, the idea of the ‘perfect’ woman. Forgive me as I do not intend to mislead; I use the term ‘perfect’ loosely to illustrate my point.

Foreign as well as local media through various channels have conjured up and determined that the perfect physical look for a woman is a nice, slim size 6 figure. For those of you that are as clueless as I once was when it comes to women’s dress sizes, a size 6 is say a Kate Henshaw (before she was married I daresay) while a size 14 is say a Stella Damasus-Aboderin and so on.

So young women over the world have been encouraged to look slim and trim to be considered beauties. Fashion shows and magazines, movies, beauty pageants, have all indoctrinated the thin look as the chic and perfect look sometimes leading to extreme situations involving young girls in the grip of eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia. Even health and fitness gurus have not helped the situation with some of them outrightly supporting the notion that slim and thin equals healthy! Believe me I have known big ladies who are stronger, healthier and fitter than their opengele looking counterparts.

Now as a hot-blooded Nigerian man, I think I need to set the record straight and voice out a preferred ideal of the ‘perfect’ woman in a physical sense. I present to you - Big Beautiful Black Women or BBBWs as those of us aficionados like to refer to them.

Now please don’t get me wrong, slim women can be beautiful in their own way, you agree? Right, it’s the same way that Big Beautiful Black Women can be beautiful in their own way. Truth be told: Nigerian men love their BBBWs. Ask Dbanj and Wande Coal just what they were thinking when they wrote and sang Booty Call. Just think about it: BBBWs have twice the regular size of everything – attack defence and everything in between; more to play with if you ask me. Take a look at them, their big bones and smooth skin, though fleshy in many places call out to black men. Check out those curves, the roundness, the smoothness, the vastness! I do not intend to be overly graphic but I just can’t help it. A friend of mine affectionately refers to the fleshy parts of his wife’s body as ‘love handles’. He says they give him something to hold on to.

Indeed, some men swear by BBBWs and will not have anything to do with a woman who is not ‘robust’. They are their preferred ideal. They are attractive and have an aura of ability and confidence about them. They remind us of our mothers or aunties. They look ready to take on just about anything that comes their way. And have you noticed that BBBWs have the prettiest faces and loveliest smiles? Don’t take my word for it, make it a point of duty to observe and confirm these facts. They do not have to be half naked to look sexy. Everything good is everywhere. Case in point is a friend of mine who is a size 22; she is quite beautiful and men appreciate this even to the point where two car owners were involved in a minor bumper to bumper incident as they jostled to give her a ride to her destination.

Lately, the musical videos shot overseas by some Nigerian artistes have no appeal for me as they are filled with anorexic looking women trying to shake what they do not have! It’s laughable really. What I want to see is a video with luscious looking wholesome women. Men must be honest for once; I am ready to stake my reputation on this: that every Nigerian man has or had a crush on a BBW as they were growing up. I had a crush on one of my teachers in secondary school, simply because she was BIG and BEAUTIFUL.


Another point to note is that this does not apply only to black women but big beautiful women of other races as well. For example, I like Sara Ramirez who plays Dr. Callie Torres in the hit drama series Grey’s Anatomy; she’s a Latin beauty. Chandra Wilson who plays Dr. Miranda Bailey is the very epitome of a beautiful, strong and lovable Yoruba woman if you ask me. Okay, you did not ask me.

So if anyone agrees with me, let’s all show some love to all the BBBWs that we know, in our families, neighbourhoods and offices and grab some great big hugs in the process. Don’t worry, they won’t break any bones!

The Demystification of Woman

The hit single by the British ex-soldier James Blunt, You’re Beautiful lends some support to this write up. You may wonder what the lyrics of this popular (and sometimes annoying) song have to do with a strangely titled article. Hold your horses as this will become clear in a few lines.

I believe we are all familiar with the cycle of all unsuccessful relationships: boy meets girl; boy dates girl; boy and girl embark on a serious relationship; boy gets tired and relationship wanes; boy and girl break up.

But what exactly happens to cause the break up? You may have your own theories with regards to the peculiarities of individual cases but it’s quite simple: the woman was or became demystified.

Truth is, a man is drawn to a woman by the strangest things; it could be the way she laughs, the way she wears her hair, her voice or the way she chews gum. It could be the way she sings off key or pitch in church or the way she sashays across the office floor. Or one of my favourites: her perfectly manicured hands or pedicures. This way the man is drawn to her, he thinks to himself, why does she chew gum that way? Why does she sing to herself as she walks about the place? How come she laughs that way? Why does she look happy (or sad) all the time? How come she’s that smart? Or that happy?

To the man, these are mysteries that need to be solved, riddles that need answers. So what does he do? He embarks on a journey of discovery, a trip to find answers to the mystery that is woman. So he goes through the usual motions of sneaking peeks and offering smiles, which soon graduate to pseudo stalking. Before long he is enthralled by her very presence, her mystique. The level and length of the mystique is dependent on the number of direct or indirect interactions and encounters they have. The man now makes his move and makes his attraction to the woman in question known.

Now this is the most crucial point of the relationship. The woman now has to make up her mind as to what degree she will reveal herself to her admirer. Women are different and while two women might be attracted a guy in the same way, they may react differently. One woman may decide that she likes the guy so much and gives him a considerable amount of ‘green light’. Of course guys are not dull so he moves in for the kill. The other woman may decide not to encourage the guy at all leaving him quite dissatisfied. Now, there are some women, who are pros at this sort of thing, they send a green and red light combination which leaves the guy very confused. But does this deter the man hunter? No, it is his duty to crack the case; to solve the mystery, so he hangs in there and tries every trick in the book.

So she gives him her number and those long conversations on the telephone start, the midnight calls, and the beautiful text messages. When he sees her name on the caller id of his phone, his heart skips a beat, he smiles at the sound of her voice. He dreams of her and doing things to her. He is encouraged as she seems to be gelling. They begin to spend more time together and except both of them are two dummies, they begin to share memories, experiences, their hopes, aspirations and dreams; where the girl does most of the talking and the guy most of the listening. You must have observed how girls like good listeners?! At this point the mystery begins to unravel; the reason for the laugh becomes known, the apparent cheerfulness explains itself, etc. Slowly but surely the woman becomes demystified and loses her air of mystery. For most guys when this happens they begin to loose interest. And ironically enough, the once sweet and attractive qualities become annoying. The once sweet smile may now appear plastic and the way she chews gum could start a fight! The guy now prefers to spend his time away from his demystified partner. Now situations may vary as men are rather different. For instance, some guys might lose interest after the first three dates; some after sleeping with the girl a couple of times and for some it may take three, ten or twenty years but what is certain is that the demystification eventually occurs and off he goes in search of the next mystery.

Now you may argue, what about the long lasting relationships and marriages? Remember that not all women are the same; some have the capacity for long term pretence or play acting; these are the ones who realise how vital it is for a woman to maintain her mystique at all times revealing only a little about herself as time passes. She keeps the man guessing and he like a dog to a bone keeps going after her expressing his interest and desire.

There are exceptions to the rule, where the man may lose interest if he senses that the woman is being too difficult or if he thinks he has a better chance at solving another ‘mystery’ someplace else. This is where a woman must learn to find a balance in order to keep her man. There is also the case of marriages which have lasted up to twenty years and more. The reasons are simple: the man is either so much in love that he turns a blind eye and ignores the fact his wife has been demystified or the woman has managed to reveal only a little at a time over the years or perhaps she keeps reinventing herself!

At this point I would like to draw the connection to James Blunt’s song mentioned above. The lyrics in the second verse go: yes she caught my eye / as I walked on by/ she could tell from my face / that I was freaking high/ and I don’t think that I’ll see her again / but we shared a moment that will last till the end. And then the chorus: you’re beautiful/ you’re beautiful/ you’re beautiful its true / I saw your face in a crowded place/ and I don’t know what to do/ 'cos I’ll never be with you.

The entire song alludes to the fact that he had just glimpsed a girl with whom he had a connection with and wishes he could be with her while also acknowledging the fact that they will never be together. Now he finds her beautiful, a girl whom he has just seen even to the point of calling her an angel. How come? It is obvious now isn’t it? He is seeing her at just face value, he has not gotten to know her yet, her imperfections, her peccadilloes, her fears, her needs etc. those things that will reveal herself to him, the things that will eventually drive him from her.

For me the best period of a relationship are those first few weeks of scoping the girl where you sneak looks and try to catch her eye; when you look forward to going to church or class knowing she will be at her usual seat. This stretches into when you two start to talk and call each other up, the first few dates up until the first kiss.

Now I know a few guys who will settle for a cordial relationship with a very beautiful and smart girl, without trying to take it to the next level. I mean the type of women that men go to war for. Why would they choose to settle for being just friends? Because they would hate to see her any less or any differently. Sometimes that old and familiar excuse, “I wouldn’t want us to spoil our friendship,” actually does hold some water.


“That thing which attracts us to a woman, rarely keeps us with her”.
- John Baker

Truth is, everything eventually becomes demystified.

What Men Want?

As a young Nigerian in his late twenties, a number of things are expected from me. At this stage it is expected that I would be gainfully employed (the key word here being gainfully which is in itself a very relative term), living in a place of my own and getting ready to settle down. The last item which implies looking for and getting married to a nice young lady is the thrust of this piece.

Now I have major issues with finding a nice, young lady to marry. Call me greedy or immature but I can’t seem to find a perfect girl with all the qualities I desire in a wife; the kind of qualities I see in my mother - qualities I will return to later in this write up.
It seems to me that God played a joke on men when he made women, then challenging us to find a good wife. The joke lies in the fact that it is very hard to find a woman who has all the desired qualities a man could possibly want. Let me attempt to break it down with the following illustrations.

Tony thinks he has met the girl of his dreams; Joyce is very intelligent, driven, ambitious and financially savvy, qualities that are high up on his list. Several weeks into their relationship, he realizes that in spite of these good qualities, Joyce is not entirely domestic nor is she homely. She does not know what his kitchen looks like as she has never cooked a meal for him. They constantly eat out at the various restaurants and fast food joints. He tries to bring the subject up and she instantly takes offence saying that she simply doesn’t have the time. Tony points out that she could cook something over the weekend; she shrugs and says she’s too tired to cook. Tony tries to overlooks this culinary deficiency but it soon dawns on him that he cannot continue to spend so much money on meals that ordinarily should not cost so much. Besides what happens when he wants to eat his favorite ofe nsala? The relationship soon hit the rocks.

Ben was instantly attracted to Sade the moment he met her. Sade was his ideal woman, she was that lighter shade of brown and she was well endowed with enough Manchester and Arsenal for two people. He followed his mind and proceeded to toast and ask her out. His naughty instincts proved right as she was incredibly able and willing in bed as he had imagined. The search was over! Or so he thought. Sade was simply very demanding. He found that he was sending a lot of money her way which he was not too happy with as Sade was also gainfully employed. He paid her transport, bought credit for her, picked up some of her bills, took her shopping, out to lunch and dinner. He began to think that he was indirectly paying for sleeping with her! He brought the issue up and she took strong exception and told him that men were supposed to provide for their wives. He quickly reminded her that they were not married and that women these days contributed substantially to the building of a home. She laughed at him and told him to be more like his mates. More like his mates? Ben had had enough and the relationship was quickly terminated.

Femi had found a wife in Kemi or so he thought. She was lively, very intelligent, funny, financially independent and an excellent cook. But one thing kept nagging at his mind: Kemi absolutely refused to go to church. She said she was not an atheist but she had a problem with organized religion, so no church or fellowship. Okay, no problem? Actually, there was a big problem. Femi came from a strong catholic family, his father was a former catechist and his mother was an active member of the Mothers Union. Femi himself had been an alter server through out his teenage years. He tried to persuade her to change her mind about church, even inviting her to join him for mass at his own church; she didn’t budge. It was quite unfortunate but Femi couldn’t possibly marry a non-practicing Christian.

Chinwe was humble, homely, beautiful and caring. Unfortunately for Charles, she was not very bright. I mean, Chinwe could entice a vegetarian to consider giving up his eating habits but she had no clue when it came to current affairs or general knowledge. She had no aptitude for numbers and detested novels and newspapers. Charles was quite worried. His mother had been a current affairs whiz and had an opinion on quite a number of current global issues. She had been a teacher away from school and Charles had learnt a lot from her while growing up. Charles couldn’t see Chinwe being that woman that his mother was. Would Chinwe be a good mother to his children, he wondered?

The above are clear examples of the sort of dilemma the average young man faces.
It would appear that God in His infinite wisdom shared these much needed qualities among our women folk in such a way that no one woman had all of them. Think about it: she’s fine but she can’t string words to form a correct English sentence; she is very religious but she’s not very romantic or loving; she’s kind, generous, considerate and smart but she’s just not fine! Call us greedy but hey who doesn’t want the best?

Now back to the qualities our mothers possessed mentioned earlier. Truth is, many young men want to marry women who are like their mothers. They were excellent cooks, great storytellers, good housekeepers, better teachers than some of our school teachers, capable nurses full of tender loving care. I mean our mothers were perfect and always there for us for better or worse, in excellence and in failure. Heck, they stayed by our fathers’ sides all those years, even when sometimes there were enough reasons not to. Yes o! Mummy is worth more than gold, she is perfect. Okay, maybe we should ask our fathers.

In order not to completely lose out on a seeming no-win situation, young men have learnt to look out for a certain combination of qualities that are most dear to them while trying to overlook the ones they can live without. This requires a lot of thinking and wisdom. The man should be honest with himself and be realistic too. It also requires a lot of prayer and counseling for God to show him the one that was made for him; the one who carries his missing rib.

So as I keep my eyes wide open and try to employ more of my head and less of my heart, I wish myself and my brothers out there the very best in our search for the ‘perfect’ woman. May God help us! Amen.