Prose: Sarah

Sarah quietly cried as she sat in the middle of their big bed. With tears running down her face, intermingled with catarrh that had overflowed from her filled sinuses, she tried to stifle her sobs by putting her fist into her mouth; but still they escaped. She tried harder for she did not want to wake her three year old son, Jide who was asleep in a corner of the big bed. She was not the only one who was worried about not waking the boy. Her husband Goke was pacing the floor space in the room from end to end, speaking angrily, but in low tones so as not to wake the boy. It was still early and they could have relocated to the living room to talk but the severity, suddenness and sensitivity of the matter at hand prevented them from doing that. Their bedroom was their inner chamber, their sanctuary free from prying eyes and ears.

Sarah sobbed some more as Goke threatened thunder and fire from heaven. She heard the words “betrayal” and the pain seared through her again. The words “forgiveness” offered some respite. So far he had not mentioned “divorce” and for that she was relieved. She clung unto this fact as a drowning man held unto straws.

He had seized her phones – her Blackberry and her Samsung and had gone through her IMs and her text messages looking for proof or as he had hoped the absence of it. Goke had seen their last IM exchange: “Hey, hope you got home safely after a long day”..... "Yeah thankfully the long holiday is here”.... “I have to go. Nanite”..... “Sweet dreams dear”. It appeared innocent, a message between good friends.

Sarah knew he was going through her phones; she had resisted at first but then quickly given up. She had given up the right to her privacy the moment she had opened her mouth. Besides she was sure there was nothing too incriminating to be found for she had been very careful in ensuring that her messages were “Dapo free.” Dapo! As she thought of him, slivers of pain and excitement ran through her body. She sighed.

But she had done the right thing. She told herself this as Goke went on and on. Oh Goke! Her darling Goke! So self-righteous and so proper. He always did what was expected of him, at least in his mind. He worked hard, protected and provided for her and their family, nuclear and extended. So why wasn’t he able to protect her from Dapo? Anyway, he certainly had his chance now, for she had given it to him when she broke down and confessed her sins to him thirty minutes ago.

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Dapo had been at her school. He had been a year ahead of her in the department of computer engineering. A gentle, studious boy she had liked his seriousness and small doses of charm. This was evident whenever he took her class on software engineering.  They had become friends and enjoyed each other’s company whenever they got together. But nothing serious for Dapo was dating a girl in another faculty, Ifeoma, a no-nonsense beauty whom Dapo completely adored. Besides she was sort of betrothed to Goke who was in another institution having pledged her love to him after years of friendship and toasting. Yet somewhere in her mind she knew that perhaps she and Dapo would have been more than just friends if they had both been single at the time. Dapo graduated from school and within a year his relationship with Ifeoma had come to an end. It was news, at least to those who knew them as she had broken things off with him citing long distance. Dapo had pleaded and tried all sorts of ways to get her back but she resisted every one. The wedding invitation that came about a year later was the nail in the coffin. His visits to the school stopped for there was no reason for him to come around anymore. So they had lost touch only to bump into each other two years ago.

Sarah had been trying to buy fuel during one of those panic-buying sessions that Lagosians are known for. It was about 10pm and thankfully Awolowo Road still boasted open filling stations. Work had been tiring and all she wanted was to get fuel and go home. When it got to her turn she asked the attendant to fill her tank only to discover that she had forgotten to withdraw cash from the ATM during the day. What was she to do? While she tried to explain to the attendant not minding the growing impatience of the cars behind hers she heard her name. “Sarah!’ She turned and it was Dapo. He quickly offered to pay for her fuel which she gladly accepted. They exchanged numbers and promised to catch up soon. On the way home she had thought about him. He had filled up a bit so he was not as lanky as he used to be. She had not noticed a wedding band and she resolved to quiz him about it.

They met up a couple of weeks later after work. Goke was out of town and as such she did not have to be home early. Besides work had kept her late, so what was an extra hour going to do to her? They had agreed to meet at a hole in the wall on the Island as they both worked on the Island. He had been waiting for her as she followed the directions he had given her. The place, Joey’s was rather cosy and in a word private, as it was not crowded like the other joints on the Island. The staff seemed to know Dapo as he was treated like a regular customer. She asked him about it and said the place was his hideaway, a place he could really relax after work, a place to contemplate on the meaning of it all and wait out the traffic. Sarah looked around and had to agree. The low music would not give one tinnitus and there were only about two other patrons. They had caught up, laughed a lot and teased each other. Dapo was such a gentleman. He still had that boyish charm and studious seriousness that made her like him. In one moment he could be as goofy as a clown and the very next as serious as a heart attack. They enjoyed each other’s company for a little over an hour and she had to leave. He walked her to her car and gave her a brief hug goodbye. Sarah had felt a little tingle as he held her.

Over the next few weeks, they chatted incessantly, called each other up, and hung out when they could. They talked about anything and everything. Sarah slowly realised that he was becoming important to her for he was taking up space in a place she did not know still existed. Goke was travelling a lot these days and she found herself with some free time. The nanny her mother had sent was very efficient and her younger sister was the responsible sort so she had no qualms leaving Jide with them a little longer a few nights a week. She told herself that they were just old friends who enjoyed each other’s company. She had not broken any laws or crossed any lines. But the way she began to look forward to Dapo’s IMs and calls suggested something else.

Joey’s became their spot. He was afraid to take her anywhere else for fear that they might be seen by people who would not understand and misconstrue things. She did not mind for anywhere with Dapo was just fine. She teased him about the other girls he must have brought to Joey’s. He swore that he had never brought any other woman to the place. “You better not!” she replied and they both laughed. One night she asked him about his being single and he shrugged it off saying that although there were a few women he liked, he had not yet found the right person.

“And what is your definition of the right person?” She looked at him as he defined his Miss Right and the thoughts she had buried deep inside clawed their way into her consciousness – thoughts from all those years ago and more recent ones.

 “Kinda like you”, he ended his definition.

She blushed, she smiled, and she frowned and said, “Kinda like Ifeoma you mean.”

Dapo looked at her with a look on his face that she could not quite place and then erupted in laughter.

 “Yeah right”, he had said. 

That night they held hands as they walked to her car.

The next day she had received a bouquet of yellow roses from him. He had not signed the card but she knew they were from him. Her colleagues teased and congratulated her. Flowers when it was not Valentine’s? Her husband was a correct guy! That evening they got to Joey’s but stayed in her car. She thanked him for the flowers but he tried to deny sending them in his usual pseudo serious-goofy manner.  “Flowers ke? Do I even know where they sell flowers? Maybe it was your hus...” She had cut him off with a kiss. Where the kiss or the idea of kissing him came from Sarah did not know but she kissed him like it was the natural thing to do.

Dapo kissed her back with almost equal fervour. When they pulled apart, a thousand thoughts ran through her head: “What have I done?!” “What does this mean?!” “Sarah you have messed up!” They sat in silence and as she moved to break the silence, Dapo kissed her. He kissed her slowly and deliberately as if he was trying to come to terms with her mouth, to get to know her better. She held her breath as the stirrings that she had previously suppressed bubbled to the fore. He pulled back to break the kiss but she placed her hand behind his head and pulled him to her.

That night as she drove home she shook a little. Goke had called earlier but she had missed his call. She called him back explaining that her phone had been on silent and she had not felt the vibrations. She prayed that he had not heard the trembling in her voice. He had not.

Dapo invited her over to his flat that he shared with a friend. But she refused. She did not want to take any more risks or chances. Being alone with him in public was a lot safer than being with him alone in private. They still hung out when they could. Her days were interspersed with his calls, IMs and messages. He made her laugh and always presented a listening shoulder as they talked about work and its challenges. She never talked about Goke and apart from the first time he had enquired about him Dapo never asked. They now spent more time in their cars than they did inside Joey’s. Although they never crossed the line they made out like teenagers on long vacation. Lord! She wanted him! But she knew she could not cross that line. Inasmuch as she liked Dapo she could not bring herself to do that which would be the ultimate betrayal. It was fine as long as she did not sleep with him, she told herself.

Then they had gotten into a misunderstanding. One night Dapo had questioned her about their relationship and what she wanted from it. She had no answer and he seemed a little impatient and irritated. She then told him that she had no expectations or demands given their situation. To this Dapo did not say a word and abruptly ended their time together. Later on he sent her a message saying that he was not sure he could continue with what they were doing, that it seemed rather pointless. She felt hurt but she had to agree. He wanted to remain friends. She did too.

The friendship lost its intensity after a while. They still communicated but it was more civil and less passionate. Goke was travelling a lot less and they spent more time together. Her marriage was going on well. Then she bumped into Dapo at the airport. She was on her way out of town on a business trip and the taxi had just dropped her when she saw Dapo striding towards her. Her heart skipped a beat. They exchanged pleasantries and he explained that he had just got in from Abuja. He left her with a hug that she felt until she landed at Enugu. That evening she buzzed him on his BlackBerry. They chatted for a bit, catching up and then he sent “I miss you”. She responded with “Sigh” and turned off her phone. She did not sleep well that night.

She returned to Lagos and had a fight with Goke. They made up that night and as they lay in each other’s arms her thoughts suddenly turned to Dapo. She remembered his kisses, slow and deliberate and she trembled. She wanted Goke to kiss her that way. She stopped him and told him to take it slow. Goke got ticked off and wondered why he had to suddenly change his technique. She quickly waved it away and assuaged his feelings lest another fight be had. As she lay in bed later she knew she had to see Dapo.

She had called him when she knew he would be winding down for the day and asked to see him. They met at his office car park. He got into her car and she started with small talk as he waited patiently for her to really talk. She told him that she missed him a lot and although things were seemingly pointless, she wanted things to go back to the way they were. She told him about how he filled her thoughts and waking moments, how her body felt whenever she recalled his kisses and his touch, his smell, heavy breathing and inaudible sighs. Dapo looked at her and when she was done, he moved across and held her tight.

A few weeks later after a Saturday spent at the office she went to his place. He had suddenly invited her over and she had agreed. His roommate was out of town and so they could be alone. This time with Dapo had been a culmination of months of wanting and desire. All the kisses and touches were finally allowed to build up steam and erupt in a taking that established full knowing. She had made love to Dapo like she had always imagined. She had taken him in, riding him ever so slowly as she introduced her body parts to his as he did his to hers. She wanted him to feel every inch of her as she felt every bit of him. She explored his not so lean and muscular frame, touching and teasing and knowing; and when she could not take the intensity any longer she made up for all the time spent in their cars. It was beautiful. An hour later as she drove home a smile stayed on her lips and knot developed in her chest. Would Goke notice? Could he tell that his darling wife had been unfaithful? He was not at home when she got back. She thankfully ran into the bathroom and removed all would-be traces of her sins. The physical ones yes, the mental ones no.

Dapo broke their rule and sent her an IM, asking how she was. She chided him for buzzing her while she was home but answered that she was fine. His message kick-started an instant replay of their time together. She wanted to see him again. No, she wanted him again. Goke came home and her mind began to play tricks on her. Could he see it in her eyes? Or could he smell another man on her body? She had showered and washed her underwear but still she wondered. As he lay on top of her later that night, he stopped for a moment, looked into her eyes and said “I love you Sarah.” The knot in her chest increased geometrically. She did not respond but kissed him, urging him on.

Sunday service made things worse as the pastor decided to preach on adultery and fornication. What awful timing! She thought. She managed to zone out as he spoke but the knot had gotten bigger. She had to assuage the growing feelings of guilt. She needed an outlet. She threw herself into her work the first few days of the week trying for a distraction but Dapo’s messages were beginning to get to her. She had to talk to him. She buzzed him saying that she felt a bit guilty and he said he felt the same way. He offered to give her space but she rejected it saying that she needed to see him so they could talk. Her mind troubled her as she remembered her vows and promises.

They met at Joey’s a few nights later and had a drink. Dapo tried to assuage her feelings and he succeeded. Just being with him made everything else seem so secondary; he made sense to her. They left Joey’s and she got into his car suggesting that they drive around and talk some more. Dapo drove aimlessly and after a few turns parked the car. Sarah turned to him and kissed him with a need she did not know was there. Dapo kissed her back and her head began to swim. She felt and responded to his touches and she wanted more. They found themselves in the back seat as she sat across his laps. She hiked up her skirt and unzipped his trousers. Dapo froze for a second as she set him free. She guided him inside her and she rocked back and forth, up and down as her body sang with joy. What was she doing?! Having sex in a car by the side of the road?! She pushed those thoughts out of her mind as her body took over, the absence of a condom this time multiplying the feelings. Before long Dapo moaned her name as he approached the edge and tried to push her off him. She grounded her pelvis against his one last time as he began to climax. She jumped off him as he finished what he had started.

They had hurriedly cleaned up as best they could as cars passed by. They held each other. “I can’t do this”, she said as she breathed him in. “Did you come inside me?” He was not sure. “I have to get to a pharmacy.” She rearranged her blouse and checked her skirt; it had lost a few stitches. Dapo pulled her close and hugged her. She eventually pushed him away and asked him to take her to her car. She kissed him good bye and drove home.

The days that followed were agonizing for her. Her trip to the pharmacy was for her the walk of shame. She took the pill and hid the other one in her bag. She did not use pills as Goke used a condom whenever she was “unsafe”. She got home and Goke was waiting. She gave a work excuse for coming home late and she ran to the bathroom to take off her clothes and have a bath. She kept thinking that her bag would fall and spill its contents. So she kept it in her wardrobe. She claimed a headache and went to bed knowing she would not survive Goke’s presence. At work the following day she kept her bag close to her and escaped to the restroom to take the second pill. She satisfied herself that she had done the needful but she had lost all sense of comfort. She wanted to reach out to Dapo but she restrained herself. Buzzing Dapo would not be a good idea as that would only awaken her desire for him. She needed space, she needed to think, she needed to talk to someone but there was no one she dared speak to about this. Dapo had entered her subconscious, her psyche and she knew it would break her. They had no future, just fleeting moments. She had no real reason to end her marriage. Did Goke not love her? Did he not provide for her? On the other hand she did not love Dapo...or did she? She loved so many things about him and the way he made her feel, but did that mean that she loved him? Dapo. Dapo. Dapo. He had unsettled her, shocked her system without any real effort. But really it was all that time spent with him, dwelling on the times spent that was her undoing. Yes, she had always liked him, admired him but from afar, which was a little acknowldgement of the nice person he was but not this dragon that had been unleashed. He had become known to her and she admired him even more, wanting to be with him all the time, wishing things that could never be uttered. The guilt was tearing her apart, things she had done and things she was sure she would do again. But how to end all this pain, this dissonance that bent her mind and set her heart against her being?

She decided in a fevered daze to make her confession to her husband Goke. She needed to be able to breathe again for air it seemed was choking her. The voices needed to stop and they would only stop if she talked. Talking to a third party was not her style. She had often marvelled at people who consulted shrinks and counsellors. She could never bring herself to wash her linen in public. So she opened her mouth and spoke, confessing her infidelity to her husband and with each word said she felt a loosening of the knot in her chest, the settling of the voices and the dissipation of dissonance.

Goke said nothing at first, and then as what she said sank in he flared up fighting hard to control himself as Jide lay sleeping in their bed. Besides he did not want to alert the nanny and his sister in-law. Could Sarah be joking? He looked at her and her sobs and tears told him it was not a joke. How long had this been going on?! He had been such a fool.

Sarah lay in her bed all day. Thankfully her sister sensing that something was not quite right had taken Jide out. Goke had disappeared angrily storming out of the house taking her phones with him. She felt a little afraid. What would Goke do? What would he decide? She thought and worried for hours until he came back. She thought of Dapo and sighed. She closed her eyes tightly and wished him away out of her thoughts.

Goke returned late in the evening and after spending sometime in front of the television in the parlour, he spoke to her. He went on and on about how she had betrayed him, how she threw his love and her marriage in the gutter for another man. He asked for details, he wanted to know things that she could not bear to tell him. He paused and changed his mind. He knew all he needed to know. But did he? He needed to know if she still loved him and if she still wanted to be with him. She cried that she did and that her breach of trust would never repeat itself. She begged him invoking the name of the Lord. Goke listened and thought hard when she was done. He loved his wife and he had made vows. He knew the kind of person she was and was sure that her confession was done out of remorse and penitence. She had done wrong and she had admitted it, subjecting herself to his love and mercy and whatever punishment that might follow.

Goke reeled out a list of instructions and commandments that she was to follow. He gave her back her phones and told her that he had spoken to Dapo. Her heart skipped a beat. He had put Dapo in his place and told him of her confession. He went on to threaten him. The little boy had disconnected the line after a flurry of protestations. She nodded her head in understanding. She was grateful for Goke and she swore she would love and obey him for the rest of her life.

A month later as she closed from the office and hurriedly walked to her car so as to meet the curfew Goke had imposed she saw Dapo walking towards her. Her heart caught in her chest and she walked faster. He called out to her hurrying to catch up. She stopped to face him. He looked older and she could tell he had not been himself. He tried to apologise like he had once tried to do on the phone before she disconnected the line. She had deleted and blocked him from her BlackBerry and although she deleted his number, she still would recognise it each time he tried to call her. She brushed his apologies off and told him that it was ok and that he had nothing to apologise for since it was all her fault. She should have behaved better. She sniffled. He looked sad as he enquired if Goke had hit her. She shook her head saying he was not that kind of person.

“I can’t see you again Dapo, ever. I made a promise to my husband and to myself. I can’t see you again.” Dapo looked like he was about to cry. “Ok but can I call you once in a while to know how you are? How you are doing?” She shook her head again. Goke had begun to monitor her calls and whereabouts, something he had never done before. He was taking no chances. She opened her door and Dapo made to touch her. Sarah shrank back and said, “Dapo don’t!” She got in wound down and said, “Just leave me be Dapo. We can’t work. I cheated on my husband with you! I almost threw away my marriage for you!”

“But why did you tell him?”

“To rid myself of you! Don’t you get?”

Dapo looked lost.

“I will nearly always be attracted to you. I swear I don’t know what you did to me but I will always want you and I can’t.”

A tear rolled down her face.

“I did the right thing Dapo, please let me do the right thing.”

Dapo nodded ever so slightly and stepped away from the car. She looked at him and gave him a sad little smile. Sarah pulled out of the car park and headed towards the Mainland. She sobbed quietly as she drove home.

The End.