What Men Want?

As a young Nigerian in his late twenties, a number of things are expected from me. At this stage it is expected that I would be gainfully employed (the key word here being gainfully which is in itself a very relative term), living in a place of my own and getting ready to settle down. The last item which implies looking for and getting married to a nice young lady is the thrust of this piece.

Now I have major issues with finding a nice, young lady to marry. Call me greedy or immature but I can’t seem to find a perfect girl with all the qualities I desire in a wife; the kind of qualities I see in my mother - qualities I will return to later in this write up.
It seems to me that God played a joke on men when he made women, then challenging us to find a good wife. The joke lies in the fact that it is very hard to find a woman who has all the desired qualities a man could possibly want. Let me attempt to break it down with the following illustrations.

Tony thinks he has met the girl of his dreams; Joyce is very intelligent, driven, ambitious and financially savvy, qualities that are high up on his list. Several weeks into their relationship, he realizes that in spite of these good qualities, Joyce is not entirely domestic nor is she homely. She does not know what his kitchen looks like as she has never cooked a meal for him. They constantly eat out at the various restaurants and fast food joints. He tries to bring the subject up and she instantly takes offence saying that she simply doesn’t have the time. Tony points out that she could cook something over the weekend; she shrugs and says she’s too tired to cook. Tony tries to overlooks this culinary deficiency but it soon dawns on him that he cannot continue to spend so much money on meals that ordinarily should not cost so much. Besides what happens when he wants to eat his favorite ofe nsala? The relationship soon hit the rocks.

Ben was instantly attracted to Sade the moment he met her. Sade was his ideal woman, she was that lighter shade of brown and she was well endowed with enough Manchester and Arsenal for two people. He followed his mind and proceeded to toast and ask her out. His naughty instincts proved right as she was incredibly able and willing in bed as he had imagined. The search was over! Or so he thought. Sade was simply very demanding. He found that he was sending a lot of money her way which he was not too happy with as Sade was also gainfully employed. He paid her transport, bought credit for her, picked up some of her bills, took her shopping, out to lunch and dinner. He began to think that he was indirectly paying for sleeping with her! He brought the issue up and she took strong exception and told him that men were supposed to provide for their wives. He quickly reminded her that they were not married and that women these days contributed substantially to the building of a home. She laughed at him and told him to be more like his mates. More like his mates? Ben had had enough and the relationship was quickly terminated.

Femi had found a wife in Kemi or so he thought. She was lively, very intelligent, funny, financially independent and an excellent cook. But one thing kept nagging at his mind: Kemi absolutely refused to go to church. She said she was not an atheist but she had a problem with organized religion, so no church or fellowship. Okay, no problem? Actually, there was a big problem. Femi came from a strong catholic family, his father was a former catechist and his mother was an active member of the Mothers Union. Femi himself had been an alter server through out his teenage years. He tried to persuade her to change her mind about church, even inviting her to join him for mass at his own church; she didn’t budge. It was quite unfortunate but Femi couldn’t possibly marry a non-practicing Christian.

Chinwe was humble, homely, beautiful and caring. Unfortunately for Charles, she was not very bright. I mean, Chinwe could entice a vegetarian to consider giving up his eating habits but she had no clue when it came to current affairs or general knowledge. She had no aptitude for numbers and detested novels and newspapers. Charles was quite worried. His mother had been a current affairs whiz and had an opinion on quite a number of current global issues. She had been a teacher away from school and Charles had learnt a lot from her while growing up. Charles couldn’t see Chinwe being that woman that his mother was. Would Chinwe be a good mother to his children, he wondered?

The above are clear examples of the sort of dilemma the average young man faces.
It would appear that God in His infinite wisdom shared these much needed qualities among our women folk in such a way that no one woman had all of them. Think about it: she’s fine but she can’t string words to form a correct English sentence; she is very religious but she’s not very romantic or loving; she’s kind, generous, considerate and smart but she’s just not fine! Call us greedy but hey who doesn’t want the best?

Now back to the qualities our mothers possessed mentioned earlier. Truth is, many young men want to marry women who are like their mothers. They were excellent cooks, great storytellers, good housekeepers, better teachers than some of our school teachers, capable nurses full of tender loving care. I mean our mothers were perfect and always there for us for better or worse, in excellence and in failure. Heck, they stayed by our fathers’ sides all those years, even when sometimes there were enough reasons not to. Yes o! Mummy is worth more than gold, she is perfect. Okay, maybe we should ask our fathers.

In order not to completely lose out on a seeming no-win situation, young men have learnt to look out for a certain combination of qualities that are most dear to them while trying to overlook the ones they can live without. This requires a lot of thinking and wisdom. The man should be honest with himself and be realistic too. It also requires a lot of prayer and counseling for God to show him the one that was made for him; the one who carries his missing rib.

So as I keep my eyes wide open and try to employ more of my head and less of my heart, I wish myself and my brothers out there the very best in our search for the ‘perfect’ woman. May God help us! Amen.