Ranking My Top Ten (…and more) Films of 2016

This time every year I try to do a ranking of all the films that came out during the year that I have seen. Each time I do this I try to clearly state the criteria that guides my ranking so as not to confuse, befuddle and surprise the casual reader or movie-watcher, critic or buff as to my choice of one film over the other in an ordered listing.

This year, in addition to Entertainment Value and Plot I have added whether the film Met My Expectations or Not as a criterion for ranking. I mean given the hype and expectations with which we welcomed the 2016 movie year there were quite a few duds that really left me hollow.

Indeed, 2016 was a below average year for movies; the army of sequels, superhero flicks and video-game adaptations. So I found “new” stories rather refreshing and will admit a bias towards them. Unfortunately, I did not see so many dramas as my year was extremely busy which is why I am honestly quite surprised I saw 50 2016 titles.

So enough jibber jabber and on to the list!

So again, the criteria for the list is:

• Entertainment Value
• Plot
• Expectations Met

49. Underworld: Blood Wars

The first sequel on this list and apparently, Kate Beckinsale is the new Milla Jovovich. I fell asleep twice watching this.

48. The Jungle Book

Never liked the cartoon and the live-action adaptation did little to change that. Fell asleep once (or twice).

47. The Boss

Melissa McCarthy surprised us all with Spy last year. This is no Spy, this is a pointless movie.

46. Batman: The Killing Joke

Started out well and was quite amped for this but this is by far the worst DC animated feature ever. Hated the Barbara Gordon-Bruce Wayne love arc and the end was quite meh. I guess the writers were going for some sort of psychology themed story where we see that the Joker is ying to Batman’s yang. (No, we did not all read the comic and we don’t care, we just want to be entertained.)

45. Ratchet and Clank

Video-game cartoon adaptation. As far as animated features go this was kinda flat with zero soul.

44. Cell

This Walking-Dead-meets-Technology mash-up could have been a much better movie. Even Samuel L. Jackson and John Cusack couldn’t save this Stephen King adaptation.

43. Mechanic: Resurrection

Another sequel and probably Jason Statham’s worst film. My ex-crush Jessica Alba was as active as a mannequin throughout and the whole thing was border line B-Movie. And oh yeah, Tommy Lee Jones and Michelle Yeoh were in it. Shock! Horror!

42. The 5th Wave

I first thought, “Not another alien invasion dystopian future muck” but the more I saw the preview, the more I suspected this would be an intelligent film. I was wrong. My darling Chloe Grace Moretz wasn’t kick ass enough.

41. How to Be Single

One of the few dramas I saw this year. Great premise, good plot but somehow somehow it petered out flat.

40. Meet the Blacks

Hahaha! Zero expectations, plenty laughs in this B-Movie! Sometimes you just want some silly entertainment and this lampoon worked.

39. Bastille Day

Luc Beeson ohhh! I really tried to like this film but I guess Idris Elba’s acting was not quite it for me. Waste of time.

38. Skiptrace

Jackie Chan and Johnny Knoxville…. go figure. They tried to do another Rush Hour and Shanghai Knights buddie flick but although it has quite some heart it did not quite take.

37. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

I prefer the first one to be honest but it was nice seeing Beebop and Rocksteady “properly” portrayed on the big screen. My kids loved it, so there.

36. Assassin’s Creed

Full disclosure: I only just played the game (Part 3) about two months ago (Trash game but my son likes it). However as a firm believer in “do not judge a movie by its book, comic, cartoon or video game I Stan’d for this film and looked forward to it when I heard Michael Fassbender was going to be in it. People, the movie is pointless. Will not be watching any sequels.

35. Zootopia

You people can hype something sha. This Who Framed Roger Rabbit wannabe was all hype jor. Well, at least the kids loved it – especially the train scene. J

34. X-Men: Apocalypse

Rubbish! Crap! I was sooo annoyed! 20^th Century Fox should just give hand over the rights to Disney! This was appalling. It was like I was watching Days of Future Past -2.0. The Four Horsemen were weak! Apocalypse was so weak I wanted to die! The plot was all over the place. Nothing felt convincing. I swear the only reason why this film is this high up is my love for everything X-men.

33. Batman Versus Superman: Dawn of Justice

The only reason why this film is not at the bottom of this list is my undying love for Batman. For more please watch Hitler Reacts to Dawn of Justice here as it fully captures my thoughts about the movie. And yes, can that lady not return as Lois Lane? Thank you.

32. The Angry Birds Movie

An animated feature adaptation of the monster game. I think it was quite creative the way they told the story of the different kinds of birds and their relationship with the pigs. It’s ok to be angry sometimes.

“I like the beginning and the middle a little. I also like the part when Red said ‘ Wow. My teacher can shoot fireballs.” – my son, Tega

31. Ghostbusters

I was curious, very curious. There was no need for this AT ALL! Crappy humour, overacting made us yearn for the original. Another Melissa McCarthy and Paul Fieg subpar stuff. But we just loved the cameos by the original cast, didn’t we? J

30. Fifty Shades of Black

I won’t lie, I loved the preview. I mean it makes more sense to like the parody of a bad film based on an even worse book, eh? Marlon Wayans delivers once again in yet another lampoon of a people’s favourite. I see a lot of promise in Kali Hawk’s career; she’s a good actor and is banging too!

29. Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad was a marketing success. Warner Bros. successfully fooled a whole bunch of us into watching this film coming at the heels of the sham that was BvS. Viola Davis was the only redeeming factor in this vehicle. The jokes seemed forced and although I would admit that Margot Robbie put in quite a performance, Harley Quinn isn’t quite my thing.

28. Midnight Special

One of those movies I stumbled upon so no expectations. A supernatural sci-fi drama about a boy with unique abilities hunted by special agents, it offered a bit of fresh air albeit reminiscent of old classics like Firestarter. Michael Shannon was at his usual dramatic best with Joel Edgerton supporting quite ably.

27. Doctor Strange

It was with some reluctance that I watched this due to the #Whitewashing controversy. Great effects! Dazzling colours! And what you would expect from Benedict Cumberbatch. Madds Mikkelsen was well, mad in it.

26. Pele: Birth of a Legend

I liked this film. As far as movies about football go, it is always a hard thing to do not to talk of a biopic. But I love the attempt to portray the god that Pele is, another difficult thing about the film. Starring Kevin de Paula and Vincent D’Onofrio. It has heart and spirit but albeit falls short of what a great sports movie should be.

25. The Purge: Election Year

Better than the last one. It made sense and against the backdrop of the coming US elections was great timing. The killer teenage girls shook me.

24. The Magnificent Seven

Yet another remake. Antoine Fuqua’s attempt does absolutely no damage to the 1960 original. With some good acting by Mr. Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke, Chris Pratt, Lee Byung-hun and Vincent D’Onofrio, together with the vistas of the old west provide a throwback of some sort to the western classics of bygone years.

23. Barbershop: The Next Cut

The feel-good film of the year! Love the positive vibes and messages this put out. It was good seeing Deon Cole of Blackish (I love his voice) on the big screen.

22. Central Intelligence

Not in the league of other Kevin Hart flicks but this was not bad at all. Funny as….

21. 10 Cloverfield Lane

A prequel (?) I must confess I did not pay as much attention to this film as I should have. It started a little slow and built up slowly which made for loss of concentration sometimes. However, John Goodman was well…good and the end was worth the previous sluggishness.

20. The CEO

Great attempt at yet another whodunit by the master of Nigerian mystery-suspense, Kunle Afolayan. The cinematography was top notch as usual and although the reveal was rather watery and I respect the daring of this film. Totally enjoyable.

19. The Brothers Grimsby

What else would you expect from a Sacha Baron-Cohen film? Irreverent and potty humour, that’s what, and I am not ashamed to say I loved this film which feature Andy Garcia lookalike Mark Strong.

18. Kung Fu Panda 3

Po and friends were grittier and tougher in this one.

17.  Eddie the Eagle

Taron Egerton is a good actor! I saw the poster and I thought “nah!” Somehow I got a copy to watch and I enjoyed every minute. This is such an inspiring story of self-belief and what the Olympics is really about – participation, as never more evident than in this year’s edition.

16. When the Bough Breaks

I laughed and laughed from start to finish. A dramatic thriller, this film made my day, no, in fact my week! Silly stuff!

15. London Has Fallen

Full disclosure:  I am a Gerard Butler fan. Dude is not a bad actor you know. Yeah, London was not as good as its Olympus but I loved the idea of it. It was fantastic watching all the leaders of the free world get popped like that, just almost as riveting as the White House being attacked in Olympus. In the end it was good fun that set the pace for many of the year’s action flicks to follow and surpass.

14. Keanu

Buddie flicks had been quite tricky to come by for a couple of years and then comes Keanu, no expectation and boom! it slide-tackles you. The misadventures of two square African American friends (Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key) revolving around a cat named Keanu should be one for the ages.

13. The Nice Guys

Another “buddie flick”, yaay! Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe star as a pair of two very different private detectives who team up to try to solve the murder and disappearance of two women in 1970s Los Angeles. I think this successfully paid homage to the buddie flicks of yesteryears.

12. Kubo and the Two Strings

Cool stuff! Thank God for film nerds on the internet for this one sort of flew under the radar. This is the best animated feature this year. Great story line, somewhat weak in the middle but essentially puts the last few adventure cartoons and films of the last few years to shame.

11. Money Monster

Directed by Jodie Foster, this one moved me. I think it was very efficiently done with Jack O’Connell and George Clooney giving good performances. I have seen films like this before but I guess this was more relatable given the recession that we have found ourselves in.

10. The Legend of Tarzan

For some reason, I really like this movie. Maybe it was the opening scene or the Tarzan vs. erstwhile Big Brother Silverback Gorilla fight but it really packed some heavy hitters – Samuel L. Jackson, Christoph Waltz, Alexander Skarsgard, Djimon Hounsou and Margot Robbie as Jane. It took one to a world of make believe and adventure, exactly what a good movie should do.

9. War Dogs

I still can’t get over Jonah Hill’s Efraim’s character laugh! What is that?! Loool. Another movie I was blind-sided by but was fun to watch. Great acting all around especially Mr. Hill’s but couldn’t get a certain “Lord of War” film out of my mind while watching this.

PS: Why is it that people in Miami, let’s just say Florida are nearly always involved in the most outlandish schemes ever? Is it the sun?

8. The Birth of a Nation

I had looked forward to this film since January and I was not disappointed. It took several years to make and I would just like to say kudos for the balls and bravery required to make it. Movies are about storytelling and this film did just that. From beginning to end I was enthralled and moved along with the story that needed to be told on the big screen. Birth of a Nation is hesitant, unsure but still riveting.

7. Now You See Me 2

Hated hated the first part! So I had zero expectations and boy was I surprised! This was more fun, more realistic and more magical. This can finally be part of a long list of good heist films.

6. Jason Bourne

Sequels galore innit? So I kinda like the Bourne series and Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass were both back in the drivers’ seat to remind us how it is done! Featuring fantastic and mad characters (Vincent Cassel? I have no words), this was a joy ride.

5. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

The daresay the best comedy this year. It came 14 years after the first part and although not quite the runaway smash hit that its predecessor was it still made me laugh and left a warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach.

4. The Accountant

I almost appluaed at the end of this movie and I took back some of the bad things I had ever said about Ben Affleck’s acting. The preview did not prepare me for the roller-coaster ride that it is. Brilliant, intelligent and good acting all around, it reminds me of a time gone by in moviedom.

3. Eye in the Sky

And why this film is not No. 1 I do not know; maybe I am biased, maybe it is the fan-boy in me….yes, that is the reason. More movies like this should be made. It was refreshing with a capital “R”. I firmly believe without a doubt that director Gavin Hood evoked from me at the exact scene, every emotion he wanted to extract from his audience. Whaaat?!!! Excellent performances by Dame Helen Mirren, Aaron Paul, Barkhad Abdi and the late Alan Rickman.

2. Deadpool

I mean Deadpool was the movie to beat this year and $783m and 10 months later very few movies did. It was a dream come true of a movie and its distinct success has probably put paid to what is known as the summer blockbuster season! Irreverent, anti-heroic, potty & sexual humour-filled, slow-mo, flow-mo packed hit featuring Ryan Reynolds and Tim Miller in his main directorial debut sees Wade the Mouth put his money where his mouth is and we loved it!

Makes you forgive 20^th Century Fox for messing up that other X-Men film.

1. Captain America: Civil War

Yes, I am a fan boy. Fully #TeamCap.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the highest grossing movie of 2016 at $1.1bn worldwide! And my No. 1 film for 2016! First, I love what Disney or whomever did with the marketing! The digital marketing was insane! We were all made to pick sides, #TeamCap or #TeamIronMan. The various teasers tickled us, arousing our interests as we coud barely wait. The preview with the Spider-Man reveal left us in throes as D-Day finally arrived. And guess what? We were not disappointed! Great storytelling, excellent management of screen time for all the characters we love, great action sequences and effects, numerous talking points – Spider-man’s intro, Ant-Man becoming Giant-Man (I got pissed because the whole Spidey and Black Panther love overshadowed this), Black Panther the new beau (bye-bye Thor!), Bucky and Cap’s double-team on Iron Man etc. Kudos to the Russo Brothers! And I do hope Joss Whedon is taking pointers from them!

So that’s it! I am pretty sure Rogue One, Don’t Breathe and The Wedding Party would have featured in the Top 10 but alas I did not have the time to fit them in before the end of the year. Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all. L

So what do you think? Yay? Nay? Leave a comment below, like and share!

The Performer

John was livid. How dare she?! To bash him in front of everyone like that – both juniors and seniors! This was one of the reasons he hated this job. The monthly exercises in humiliation masked as monthly performance reviews were getting to him. It was bad enough when it came from the divisional directors but to come from her – a mere senior manager! – it irked his soul.

Was is it his fault that the market was slow? Was it his fault that the old general was voted back into power and that the people wanted change? Ehn, change had come and a slow market was part of or a result of that change. He knew his figures for last month were bad, possibly his worst figures in months. He hated this feeling. He liked the feeling that came with meeting his targets so being brought down to earth like this was humiliating.

He had hoped to just bluster his way through his presentation but she had tenaciously and meticulously pointed out gaps, questioned him on every point, admonished and made him look inept. He raged inside all through her pontificating but outwardly he kept his cool. ‘Dere Coker, she was everyone’s darling, a brilliant officer who was always winning. Oh how he would like to see her lose just once, the fall from grace would be epic. Indeed quite a number of his colleagues were looking forward to that day but so far that day had not come.

He bunched his fingers into a fist as he paced up and down the room. He was worked up and he needed to let go and relax. Next month would be better, he promised himself. He and his team were positive that pending transactions would go through. He would just have to be more bullish. He had to go see Alhaji Dutse and Chief Udechukwu, they were his hope for next month and in fact the rest of the financial year. John pulled out his phone and set a couple of reminders.

As he looked through his phone a message came in. It was from her – ‘Dere Coker. He read the contents and his annoyance increased. Aaargh!! He would have to put her in her place! Forget that she was relatively new to the organization and had won the hearts of many of the bosses including the chief executive with her performance so far; forget that she boasted a masters from an Ivy League school; forget that she knew her onions and was a hard worker; forget that she was increasingly becoming influential; he would deal with her and hurt her in ways he knew how and she would always remember the name John Adeleke.

He snapped out of his thoughts as the lock turned and the door opened. He looked up as she walked - no sashayed - into  the room with her curve-hugging blouse and skirt. His eyes turned into slits as they made eye contact, he John Adeleke and ‘Dere Coker, adversaries in more ways than one. She approached him, eyeing him as he drew himself to his full height. She stopped right in front of him, tilting her head up to maintain eye contact with this proud young man.

John looked at her, taking her all in as she glared at him.

“Why do you have to be so nasty?” he asked.

“Because you like me that way,” she replied.

He clenched his jaws looking at her and tried to control himself.

“I’m going to teach you a lesson.”

She laughed. “What lesson?”

Take off your clothes.”

She smiled at him.

 “Yes, papi. Mr. Performer.”

THE END.

Prose: Happy Birthday.

Timi woke up to the sounds of chirping, the bird had started its early evening cry. He opened one eye and looked down at Ronke who lay on his chest breathing softly. He lifted an arm and looked at his watch confirming that they had not been asleep for long. They had been at it for about 45 minutes, right from when they had shut the door to the room to the third explosion. Well third for him. He could never tell when she was satisfied or when one orgasm ended and the other began amidst her screams; she was non-verbal and fluid like that. She moved at his pace, was ready when he was ready and stopped when he stopped. Her appetite was ravenous and he was happy he could match hers.

Sex with Ronke was not dull neither was it boring. What made it work was perhaps the tacit chemistry that they shared. Physically she was a handful and he felt like a man with her.

She stirred a little and then settled down again. They did not have much time especially as they had chosen to do this during the day. Giving their busy schedules and lifestyles nighttime seemed to be the only reasonable time for such things, so daytime sex was rare.

Timi closed his eyes. He would have to get up soon. He opened them again and gazed on Ronke, the woman he loved with all his heart.

He had met Ronke all those years ago during his NYSC …10 years now. Although he found her very attractive, he never really got to know her then; they would talk occasionally but nothing serious. They went their separate ways but crossed paths two years into his job at the advertising agency where he was now the assistant creative director. She worked for a media agency and was part of the team that came for a presentation one sunny morning. Her agency had done a good job and were signed up which made their paths cross even more. She would stop by at his office and they would talk a little. He then plucked up the courage and asked her on a date. She obliged and their relationship blossomed and blossomed. Now they were here in her bed, a bed he had grown accustomed to over the last eight years. Eight years. How do you not get tired of sleeping with someone in that period of time? He wondered sometimes. But Timi knew he would never tire of her, even when she was old and grey, and he hoped it was the same for her.

They had had their downtimes but never over anything serious. She got him and he in turn got her totally. She never annoyed him, nor him her. Of course like every other women she could get impatient with him sometimes but that was it. She never nagged, did not cling, pushed him when necessary but with all the encouragement required. He tried to be the man she wanted him to be, treated her with enormous respect, and cared for her as much as he could. But deep down inside he told himself that she deserved more than he could give her and wondered if he could ever be enough for her. She never complained though which was a good thing as well as a bad thing. Well maybe it was because she was fiercely independent. She played by her own rules and one just had to be very confident to be with her. Was he confident? Sometimes he felt that perhaps she just felt sorry for him and all. One could be tempted to say that it was just the sex. The sex was very very good but it was more than that. They enjoyed each other’s company and gave each other fair consideration. Although he was the passionate, opinionated kind he reined it in a little for her sake. He never wanted to offend. Ronke probably noticed this and tended to be less flippant than he knew she was. Why did he love her so?

It was probably her self-confidence. She exuded it from day one, it showed in every area of her life. Her weaknesses? Hmmm…

“A penny for your thoughts.”

Timi looked down at her as she smiled still with her eyes closed.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Not long. How long have you been awake?”

“Not long either.”

She opened her eyes and lifted her head to look at him. “Mr. Man, you wore me out as usual.”

Timi grinned sheepishly, “You bring it out of me baby”, he retorted.

Ronke smiled and moved out of his embrace, moving up to his face. “I do, don’t I?”

She kissed him on the lips.

11 seconds later she pulled away.

“Shade will soon be back”, she said as she searched for her bra.

Timi looked at his watch. It was 4:30.

He sighed as he collected himself. He picked up his clothes from the chair beside the bed. She had often teased him about how he always managed to make sure his clothes were neatly arranged before getting into bed with her. He got dressed quickly as she headed into the bathroom. It would not do good for a 16 year old to walk in on them naked.

Ronke emerged from the bathroom and toweled her glistening body. He watched her.

“What?” she asked coyly.

“Nothing” he responded.

“Mr. Man,” she laughed with a knowing look in her eye.

They talked shop and in a short while she was dressed up. She walked up to him and he held her close trying to take in as much of her as he could.

“Are you losing weight?” he asked.

“A little.”

“Madam, small small o. Take it easy.”

Ronke laughed.

The doorbell rang. She kissed him.

“Happy birthday again”, she whispered and then led him to the living room.

“Good afternoon sir… Uncle Timi.”

“Hey Shade, how are you?

“Fine, thank you sir.”

“That’s good. I see your mum is taking good care of you.”

“Yeah she tries.” Shade said with a smile.

“Okay so I’ll see you later.”

Ronke walked him out to his car. He got in.

“So call me?” she asked.

“I will”, he promised.

Timi drove down her street and out of her estate, his thoughts with Ronke. Why they were not together, he was not sure. He had thought about this often. Maybe it was his fault or just a case of bad timing for him and for her but all he knew was that in another place and another time he would definitely be with her, the way they should be.

32 minutes later he climbed up to his apartment. He fiddled with his keys and slipped one into the lock. But before he could turn the key the door opened from the other side.

“Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!!”

The chorus was led by his six year old daughter who stood beside her mother as she held forth his birthday cake.

Timi smiled as he hugged his wife and son. He closed the door behind him shutting Ronke out for the time being.

 ########################################

Does it Matter Where I Work?

Okay so over the weekend  I got invited to my old friend Tony’s soiree. I had nothing to do and figured it would be a good idea to go mix with people and enjoy an evening of small chops, drinks and nice conversation, plus Tony really knows how to throw these things. These objectives were achieved with the added benefit of food for thought that inspired this article.

I got there an hour late and met about 10 people with 3 of us being guys. So my first conversation was with a group of three women. I introduced myself and they did as well and one of them quickly asked, “Are you Tony’s colleague?”I responded in the negative and the conversation petered out almost as soon as it had began. 

I gravitated towards where the drinks were as any responsible young man would. Soon enough drink in hand I found myself seated with a young lady and we went through the introductions.

“Hi, I’m TJ.”

“Hello, my name is Anna.”

“Pleased to meet you Anna.”

“Same here…. Do you work with Tony?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Oh ok, so where do you work?”….

I told her and this time we spent some time in good conversation about our jobs and other things before we both had to go mingle with the now growing group.

I met a few old friends and acquaintances and we played catch up but at the back of my mind was why the two women I spoke to started by asking me whether I worked in the same office with Tony? It couldn't be a coincidence. I mean, to know where I worked it would have been easier to ask just that: “Where do you work?” or the generic “So what do you do?” which usually gives elbow room for vague responses. I had a hunch and it seemed to make small sense.

I encountered another girl at the small chops table and thankfully we just said hi and smiled at each other. But it happened again, the question: “Are you Tony’s colleague?” No way it was a coincidence. This time I just smiled and said no. After we got that out of the way, we talked for a long while as she regaled me with her mischievous antics as a teenager. It was fun really.

As I walked towards my car I smiled a knowing smile as I fully accepted my hunch. You see my friend Tony works in one of the well-known oil servicing companies. He lives in an estate with houses that price their rent at figures I could not afford even if my annual salary was tripled. He was single and maybe they thought I was. It made sense. So what if I had said “Yes, I do”, what would have happened I wonder? Would I have been accorded more civility by the first set of girls? The other two women were very cool but it was still odd that they would ask me that same specific question first. I wondered if the other guys in the room got the same question. I may never know.

Ranking My Top Ten (…and more) Films of 2014

2014 was a fair year for movies or films as I prefer to call them: it was a great year for sci-fi, be it action, thriller or adventure. In 2014 some expectations were met, few were surpassed; we had a few good as well as nasty surprises, and some were simply more of the same ol’ same ol’ fare. So I spent over a hundred hours (insert cringe) in front of a variety of screen sizes trying to catch up with the plethora of films across genres that came out this year.

Now as the year has come to an end I would like to present My Top Films of 2014 ranked in order. Please note that the films are those I actually watched, ranked according to my preferred scale of enjoyability/entertainment value, ability to captivate and overall plot theme. So let’s get right to it, shall we? J

1. Edge of Tomorrow
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
3. The Equalizer
4. Guardians of the Galaxy
5. The Maze Runner
6. Fury
7. The Giver
8. Locke
9. Interstellar
10. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Yes? Or no? Well before you lynch me, allow me to give a detailed run down (read: reason for ranking) of some of my Top Ten Films of 2014.

Edge of Tomorrow – every gamer’s wet dream.

Edge of Tomorrow blew my mind!!!!! This Groundhog Day-meets-First Person Shooter-action-sci-fi flick was a dream come true for me; it was akin to being given a gift of that one thing you didn’t know you needed until it was given to you. Based on the novel All You Need Is Kill by Hiroshi Sakurazaka, EOT which stars Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt is an intelligent, action-packed feast of a film. It was a jolly good ride and I was enthralled from start to finish. Sadly, despite love from the critics and viewers and although it more than doubled its $178m budget it did not make as much at the box office as I thought it would. This I have pencilled down to “Tom Cruise hate”. However, Tom Cruise’s performance was nothing short of stellar as I vicariously felt his terror, pain, frustration and bouts of hopelessness with each iteration/re-spawning of his character Major William Cage. Emily Blunt was bad ass as Sergeant Rita Vrataski in a performance that really surprised me.

Edge of Tomorrow also features Brandan Gleeson and Bill Paxton and is directed by Doug Liman.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

We follow Steve Rodgers as he tries to preserve his only link to the life that he knew in the form of his best friend Bucky Barnes now turned super-villain.

Captain America was probably the least loved Avenger in last year’s The Avengers, but Captain America: The Winter Soldier goes all out show why Captain America is fit to be their leader. The internal human conflict and dissonance that is absent in many of the Avengers characters’ movies is present. This is what makes Marvel characters more loveable than DC’s. Akin to today’s super spy films, The Winter Soldier is interspersed with humour, great dialogue and the awesomest action sequences. Hey if you’re still not convinced maybe you should re-watch Nick Fury’s truck chase scene! *Shrugs* That scene did it for me.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier grossed over $714m at the box office, making it the 5th highest grosser of 2014. 

The Equalizer

The Equalizer stars Denzel Washington as a bad ass. #Dazall.

Guardians of the Galaxy – the summer blockbuster epitomized

This was probably the most anticipated film of 2014. Some of us who thought that we were Marvel fans had to do a little extra research on these guys but hey what did we care? Disney had given us the incomparable The Avengers in 2013 and now they could do no wrong. Truth is you need not be a fan of Guardians to love this film. Writer/Director James Gunn reached into the bag of proven formulaic family centred action-sci-fi-adventure film tricks for this one and it certainly paid off. Filled with humour, action sequences and team member banter that made us love The Avengers, Guardians is a fun filled ride that also reminds one of summer blockbusters of yore – Indiana Jones and the (insert your favourite one) and Star Wars (insert your favourite episode) amongst others. We get a cocky thief, blue and green humanoids, a talking space-gun wielding Raccoon, a muscle of a tree, a spaceship chase, a prison break, a planet invasion and a super-powerful orb that everyone wants. Sounds familiar? Again, we don’t care ‘cos Guardians is the stuff that summer blockbusters are made of and we like it that way. Amen.

Guardians of the Galaxy features an ensemble cast and great music from the 60s & 70s. It has grossed $772.5m at the box office making it the second highest grossing film of the year.

The Maze Runner

Gripping stuff! Lord of the Flies meets sci-fi is all I can say. If you loved the book and love sci-fi, go see this one. The reason I ranked it higher than all the other dystopian-teen-films-based-on-a-series-of-books is that it was really gripping. Never overreaching and overly grandiose to the point of eye-rolling as in the case of The Hunger Games films, The Maze Runner doles out the right amounts of suspense and mystery to keep you guessing and glued to the screen. What or who is responsible for The Maze? What are those deadly creatures that inhabit The Maze? Is it all a big test? Should the boys just live with their allocated lot and degree of contentedness that they have or do they strive for a meaning, an explanation, for freedom?

The Maze Runner is directed by Wes Ball and stars Dylan O’Brien, Kaya, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Will Poulter, Ki Hong Lee and Aml Ameen. It grossed $339m on its $34m budget.

The Giver

Again, one of the many films to come out this year about a dystopian future and based on a best-selling series of books for older children and young adults, The Giver sets itself apart.

There’s no elaborate explanation as to the reason for the adoption of “Sameness” by the new society and this which many may see as a negative, is for me the plus in the cluster of reasons offered by similar films. Who cares what caused/created the dystopia? The Giver deals with the removal of harmful knowledge and the suppression of properly undefined emotion in order for society to flourish.

What sets The Giver apart from the pack is its simplicity, storytelling, great acting and overall feel-good emotions it evokes. Watch out for the song Ordinary Human by One Republic.

The Giver is directed by Philip Noyce and stars Brenton Thwaites, Jeff Bridges, Meryl Streep, Katie Holmes, Alexander Skarsgard, Odeya Rush, Cameron Monaghan and Taylor Swift.It grossed $65m at the box office.

Locke

The entire film takes place inside a BMW X5 as it carries its sole occupant, its driver Tom Hardy as Ivan Locke down the M1. Tom Hardy gives a powerful performance that takes us along for the ride as we become voyeurs into the troubles that beset him as a married father and construction foreman on the eve of the biggest project of his life and how he goes about trying to resolve these issues one phone call at a time.

Compelling is the one word that describes Locke. Its premise, cinematography, script are all strong but it’s the acting that seals the deal as one of my best films for the year.

Loved by the critics, and with a limited release Locke grossed $5m on a budget of less than $2m.

Interstellar – Warning: Lazy viewers may get left behind on Earth

Christopher Nolan’s long awaited Interstellar in most ways did not disappoint; I mean what were we expecting really? Although it was tortuously long and left people scratching their heads a little and googling “space-time continuum” and “black holes”, it was a thrilling ride. The cinematography left me puzzled, I had expected something much more dazzling but it was not to be as I was forced to listen, pay attention and apply what little advanced physics that I could remember so as to not get left behind.

In the end Interstellar required that powerful acting that Matthew McConaughey could provide and although interstellar travel may not be possible in our life time, we sure got a great glimpse of it!

Interstellar grossed $641,387,217 at the box office making it the 9th highest grosser of the year.

Didn’t see a film you’d have liked in the Top 10? Check out lists below:

The next 10 are as follows:

    

    11.   Once Upon a Time in Shanghai

    12.   Divergent

    13.   Maleficent

    14.   X-Men: Days of Future Past

    15.   Snowpiercer

    16.   Into the Storm

    17.   Stonehearst Asylum

    18.   Gone Girl (Most Annoying Film of the Year Award)

I approached Gone Girl with a lot of anticipation. From earlier feedback some people liked it with talk of awards and honours, while some people did not. So I prepared myself for either eventuality. In the end, Gone Girl was a good film but very annoying. The two WTF moments cancelled each other out and in the end Gone Girl was just a gimmick, an exercise in cinematic masturbation with zero climax (yes, I will admit I was one of those that went on a Twitter rant at the end of the film)! Gone Girl tried to replicate (the endings of) films like Primal Fear but sadly fell short. However, perhaps the only good point of the film was Rosamund Pike’s great performance as Amy; she literally acted Ben-I-really-cannot-act-Affleck under the table. If you’re a masochist, you’ll love Gone Girl, if not you’ll probably just get pissed.

Gone Girl also features Neil Patrick Harris and Tyler Perry and is directed by David Fincher. It has grossed $356.4m at the box office.

    19. Dracula Untold (The Hope is Not Yet Lost Award for an Actor in a Film Award)

    20. Young Ones

And...

    21. Noah
    22. The Raid 2: Redemption

    23. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

    24. November Man

    25. Walk of Shame

    26. 13 Sins

    27. Sex Tape

    28. The Grand Budapest Hotel

    29. The Hundred-Foot Journey

    30. Think Like A Man Too

    

   

And bringing up the rear….

    31. A Million Ways to Die in the West
    32. Three Days To Kill

    33. Robocop
    34. The Expendables 3
    35. A Walk Amongst The Tombstones

    36. Godzilla (The Waste of Good Acting Talent in a Film Award)

    37. Penguins of Madagascar

    38. Non Stop

    39. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    40. The Purge: Anarchy

    41. Lucy

    42. Tammy

    43. That Awkward Moment

    44. The Amazing Spider Man 2

    45. Automata

    46. The Lego Movie (The Most Over-hyped Film of the Year Award)

    47. Transformers: Age of Extinction

As usual Michael Bay gets away with this. Transformers: Age of Extinction is by no means the worst of the franchise but it’s only just a step away from Revenge of the Fallen. Mark Wahlberg replaced Shia LaBeouf as the fast talking human ally of the Autobots in this one but this recasting is not enough to misdirect our eyes to the noise, abysmal editing, plot holes and overall incongruity of the film (it took me 7 days to finish). But hey, what do I know? Age of Extinction is the highest grossing film of the year having made $1.087bn worldwide, thanks to the Chinese.

   48. I, Frankenstein (The Waste of Marketing Spend on a Film Award)

   49. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (Most Disappointing Film of the Year Award)

   50. Neighbours (The Waste of Viewers’ Time and Money Film of the Year Award)

Phew!

So there you have it. It was a great year for sci-fi and dystopian film genres. We loved it and I am looking forward to what 2015 may bring.

Do you have a few questions or are you dissatisfied with the list? Argue in the comments section below.

Thanks for reading. Do share. J

Prose: Eloho

“Sooo long…bitch you did me so wrong!

 I don’t wanna go on,

Livin’ in this world without you!”

                                - Marshall Mathers

Each time Eloho played Eminem’s The Marshall Mathers LP album his mind would go back to that day, that day when everything changed. Whether for good or bad he was never sure. Some would argue that it was for good, others would have taken the contrary position. But what was done was done, and did he have any regrets? He most definitely did.

It was his last day before going back to school at the University of Benin aka Uniben. The localised strike had just been called off so his two week “break” was over. The school had been shut down over an industrial action carried out by the non-teaching staff who as usual were clamouring for one benefit or the other. He was tired of it all and after staying idly in school for two weeks he had gone home to Lagos. He did not understand why lectures had to be affected really but after a week of non-teaching support the lecturers had simply not turned up. Who was going to maintain the classrooms, clean the lavatories and carry out the other more serious admin roles in the school? It was a good reason to go home and he took it.

He had things to do, friends to see and things to catch up on. Inasmuch as his school was his pride and joy, Benin offered little comparatively to the action of Lagos. So his two weeks had been spent eating free food from his mum’s kitchen, watching movies and visiting friends. One friend in particular was important to him – Henrietta. Henrietta or Henri was his girlfriend of two years and he was totally in love with her. They had met while they were both waiting for admission into the university, during that period people called “University of House”, the one year between graduation from secondary school to university admission. For some more unfortunate, it took longer than a year, sometimes even up to four years - JAMB and O-Level exams were not known for their lack of difficulty.

For him it had been love at first sight. For her, a gradual coming into love as some teenage girls are wont to do.  They had been together for two years save for a brief breakup when they both ended up in different schools. She had gone to Lagos, University of Lagos (Unilag) and so they thought the best thing to do was to break up given the long distance. But after a semester apart one missed the other so much that they decided to make it work, and try they did. The past year things had been great given the time apart and they made up for it with long phone calls and even longer letters. The phone calls were murder on the pocket for him, but hey true love comes at a price, he told himself. 

So during this break period he had tried to see her as often as possible given her classes, three times so far. Just because his school’s non-academic staff were on strike did not suddenly mean that the rest of the country’s ivory towers would grind to a halt as well.

Eloho had had some last minute running around to do which involved picking up a few items and stopping by at Unilag to say his goodbyes to his friends and his babe Henri. He took a bus to Yaba Bus Stop and from there got on the Unilag campus bus shuttle service. Once on campus he located his bosom buddy's room. Pedro shared a BQ (Boys’ Quarters) room with a classmate in the senior staff quarters. Eloho had settled down and after the usual pleasantries had produced a bootleg copy of Eminem’s The Marshal Mathers LP. The other two guys in the room went nuts. The whole world had been waiting for Eminem aka Slim Shady real name Marshal Mathers to release his sophomore effort. His first album The Slim Shady LP was ill! For a white dude, Eminem could rap…his flow, word play, punch lines, and pop culture references were out of this world. He had given the established rap stars a run for their money and the rap and hip-hop community and indeed the world had taken notice of this white boy from Detroit.

“Eloho! How?! Where did you get this from?!”

Eloho grinned. “I know a guy.”

Pedro snatched the CD from his hand and began to scrutinise it.

“I picked it up from my audio CD guy on my way here. He said it just came to the market and this was one of the few copies available”, Eloho continued.

“Have you sampled it?”

“No, not really, I just listened to the intro and The Real Slim Shady track on my Discman. I was waiting for you guys.”

Pedro’s roommate, Chinedu boomed, “Abeg, let’s jam this CD!!!”

The white disc with the reverse “E” was slot into one of the trays of the Philips 3-loader VCD/CD player.

“This is a Public Service Announcement brought to you….”

Over an hour later the three boys were numb with awe. What had they just listened to? The Marshal Mathers LP was a couple of light years ahead of Em’s first album. Where he had been psychotically petulant in a white boy but brilliant rap way in The Slim Shady LP, Em had matured greatly, successfully transforming the previous drug related theme into one of seething rap rage against the success the machine had brought him. Where he had attacked himself, his mum and his wife in the first album, in this effort he attacked everyone else while going up quite a few more notches in his attacks to his mum and wife.

The trio were speechless. They had listened to Stan almost ten times. The message was one for the ages, who else had come close? The entire album was one giant pulsating middle finger but the craft and skill were undeniable.

With that album echoing in their ears, Eloho and Pedro walked towards Henri’s hall of residence hoping to get a cab. Eloho had just one more stop to make before heading home. He was going to see his girl and kiss her goodbye.

Moremi Hall was the premier female hall of residence in Unilag. For one to have entered even for five minutes was a feat not many guys could boast of. The supposedly finest and “it” Unilag girls lived there. Eloho did not get what the fuss was all about really. In his school, the “it” girls nay students lived not in the halls of residence but in the senior staff quarters or off campus in privately owned hostels that were mostly co-ed. But the standing of Moremi Hall was not fully lost on him. The kind of girls that walked in and out of that place would turn heads in his school. The women were fine, all of them. So it was with a sense of pride that he acknowledged the fact that his babe lived there. She was up there with the school’s top percentile of babes.

Eloho and Pedro got out of the cab they had taken from the beginning of Pedro’s street. It was about 7pm and the car park was already getting filled up with boys in their own or their parents’ cars. What a show! Eloho thought to himself. These kids really knew how to separate the classes and he was not referring to the years. Uniben had rich kids and there were students from different backgrounds and classes but it was never exhibited deliberately nor obnoxiously like it was done in Unilag. No wonder a lot of these kids have complexes, he thought. He spotted a smallish girl in the smallest pair of shorts he had ever seen standing next to a guy fully kitted in a sweatshirt, baggy jeans, a baseball hat and bat to boot. Hip hop lives!!!

The two friends walked into Moremi Hall and headed for Block C. Eloho had told Henri that he would be coming so he was sure that she would be in. They climbed up two flights of stairs and walked down the corridor to the right. He could find his way to her room blindfolded. They stopped in front of 208 and knocked. He hoped that her room would not be too full today. Moremi Hall was hopelessly crowded with a 4-woman room becoming a 10-woman one. The porters turned a blind eye to the rules and deep pockets to the squatters as demand far exceeded supply. Who no wan be Moremi babe?

A tall dark girl with a screaming white towel walked past him as he waited. She was quite pretty and the towel only outlined her lovely physique. Eloho and Pedro smiled to each other with a knowing look. That was the thing, there were so many beautiful women in the world, both in Lagos and in Benin but he had eyes for only one. No one could match his babe. Henri was that chocolatey brown skin, slender, with the loveliest almond-shaped eyes and a girl’s body that had grown into and wore its womanhood proudly. She was pretty and people were beginning to notice. But Eloho did not care; he had no fear for she was his. He recalled their many walks in their first year, the endless telephone calls, the hours of fevered making out. He had found someone he could be with. There was never a “just there” moment for every second was golden. He loved her and she loved him. Their relationship was near perfect, it was only the long distance that plagued it.

“Who is it?” a girl asked from within.

“Hi, I’d like to see Henrietta please.”

There was a cough then footsteps. The door was opened by one of Henri’s roommates. Eloho could not remember her name so he just smiled and said hi. Roommate smiled back at him. “Hi, is Henrietta in?” The roommate pulled her head away and looked back into the room. After receiving the go-ahead from Henri, the roommate allowed them in.

Eloho stepped into the room with Pedro right behind him and spotted Henri sitting on her bunk at the far side of the room. As they navigated to her bunk while saying hello to the other women in the room, he noticed that there was a guy sitting in Henri’s bunk. A slight frown came to his face but it was quickly gone when Henri walked up to him.

“Hi,” Eloho greeted Henri with a smile.

Henri smiled back and returned his greeting.

“I hope I’m not too late?”

“No, it’s ok; I just got in from class not too long ago.”

Pedro coughed.

“Oh Pedro hi, I didn’t see you there.” Henri said with a wave.

Pedro waved back.

Eloho looked at the guy seated on Henri’s bed. The dude was portly but tall about his height. Then he remembered him. What was that his name again? Uche. Yeah he had first met him at Henri’s best friend’s birthday party. Then he had met him again at a beach thing Henri had taken him to. Eloho had even spotted him driving down Henri’s street as he left her house during the last semester break. Hmmm…what was going on here?

“Eloho you remember Uche?” Henri said by way of introduction.

“Guy how far?” Eloho greeted.

“Nothing much” Uche responded.

Pedro just waved.

“Look guys, let me check on someone in 311. I’ll be back in a bit.” Pedro exited.

Eloho checked his watch. It was getting late and he did not have much time. He had one more stop to make before heading home.

He took Henri’s hand and pulled her, “Look I can’t stay long. Can we talk outside?”

Eloho walked out to the corridor as Henri spoke briefly to her other guest. She soon joined him.

“What’s up with this Uche guy?” he asked.

“Who Uche? He’s just a friend.”

“Really? Does he stop by often?”

“No, not really. Just once in a while.”

“Really? But I know that he doesn't go to school here.”

“Yeah but you know Tope in my class? Well he’s good friends with Uche. That’s how I met him. He gives some of us a lift sometimes.”

“Okay.”

Eloho was tired. It had been a long day and he wasn't really there to fight. He just wanted to spend a few precious moments with his girl before he left for school the next day.

“I've missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

He looked into her eyes and all the apprehension and suspicion disappeared. They talked for a while, about twenty minutes. Saying whatever lovers say to each other at moments like these. Uche did not come out of the room.

“Which kain guy be dis?” Eloho thought to himself. “Can’t he use his church mind and take his leave?” He really had not expected to be standing on the corridor talking to his girlfriend for this long. The Bro Code demanded that Uche having been deferred to initially would politely take his leave after a couple of minutes if not immediately. The guy had obviously not been schooled properly. These “Lag” boys sef! But wait o, dude was not even in the school!

A few minutes later Pedro returned and found both of them talking on the corridor. Strange. Well maybe they wanted to whisper sweet nothings to each other and did not want others overhearing. Pedro kept a respectable distance, waving and saying hi to the odd girl who passed by that he knew.

Eloho was a bit disappointed. He wanted their parting to be extra-special but apparently it could not be helped. Time was going and he had to be on his way.

“I got to go.”

Henri sighed a little. “Okay, let me see you off then.”

Eloho made to go but turned and poked his head into Henri’s room.

“I’m off,” he said to her roommates.

“Bye!!!” they chorused.

“Chief, I’m off.”

Uche just nodded and smiled at him.

Was that a sneer? Eloho wondered. Nah! His mind was playing tricks on him. Dude was harmless. Henri loved him and no one was going to change that.

The three of them walked to the gates of Moremi. Pedro gave them space as the two love birds stood talking. He expected them to spend a few more minutes for Eloho and Henri were known among their friends for their long goodbyes. Not this time.

“Pedro, I’ll see you later,” Henri said as she turned and walked back into her hostel.

Eloho followed her with his eyes.

“What was that bro?”

“I don’t know o. I wanted to hug and kiss her goodbye and she said no.” Eloho said with some surprise in his voice.

“Really?!” Pedro laughed.

Eloho looked at Pedro. “Yeah, she said she’s shy, you know PDA and all.”

Pedro looked at his friend, “Would this be your first time of hugging her goodbye here?”

The answer was no.

“Look Eloho I’ve seen that guy quite a few times with Henri oh, forming picking her up and dropping her off. You never know but I don’t trust that dude!”

Eloho turned and began to walk away slowly. He was confused; this was not the Henri he knew. Why was she acting strangely? He looked around the car park. Rich kids in their cars and co-eds. He spotted the small pretty girl with her hip-hop boyfriend. He closed his eyes and the events of the last hour or so flashed through his mind. He stood still for a good ten seconds with his eyes closed. When he opened them, he saw red.

Eloho walked up to Mr. Hip-Hop.

“Homez can I borrow your bat for one second please?”

Eloho took the offered bat and headed back into Moremi.

“Eloho wait!!”

“All is fair in love and war.” Those were the words in his ears as he bounded up to room 208. This time he did not knock but opened the door himself. He saw Henri laughing at something funny Porky Pig had said. In four steps he was across the room baseball bat in hand. Roommates made way while Henri and Uche only noticed him at the last moment getting up at the same time.

“Eloho what are doing?!”

“Henri step aside please.”

Henrietta nimbly moved aside as Uche tried to look for a way out. No luck. However Uche’s frantic movements were misconstrued as aggressive as Eloho somehow swung the bat within the tight confines of the room hitting Uche hard on the arm.

Crack! Uche yelled in pain grabbing his arm.

Henrietta screamed.

“Eloho stop!!!"

“No, it’s okay, I just want to ask him a few questions. Ehen, Chief, what exactly are you doing with my girl? Shey you know we are going out….as in we are in an exclusive relationship, dating and all?”

Uche did not answer but glowered in pain.

“You don’t want to answer now abi; you’re forming bad guy?” Eloho ran the bat into Uche’s midsection. As Uche bent over in pain Eloho smashed the bat across his face.

Blood spewed forth.

Henrietta screamed.

The roommates ran out of the room. Pedro ran in and tried to restrain his friend. He had never seen Eloho like this before.

“Eloho please stop! Please!” Henrietta begged.

Eloho turned to look at Henrietta. He dropped the baseball bat and walked towards her as she stood shaking. He reached out for her and she shrank back afraid.

Eloho smiled at her wryly, “I would never ever hurt you Henri. But I needed to teach him a lesson. I couldn’t just stand there and watch him steal you away.” Eloho looked down at the groaning Uche. “He would have if I had done nothing.”

Tears came to Eloho’s eyes and Henri’s heart melted. She grabbed him and held him tight.

“I love you so much Eloho. I swear I do!”

“I love you too Henri,” Eloho responded as they held each other tight as voices of authority approached.

This was the way it was meant to be. Two hearts, first love, forever love.

*********************************************

“Eloho! Eloho!!” Pedro called.

Eloho opened his eyes.

“Did you hear what I just said? He comes around campus with Tope but he’s definitely interested in Henri. I’ve seen them together a few times.”

Eloho shook his head. 

“Nah, it’s cool. She says they are just friends and he’s just being helpful. She can have friends can’t she?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really! I trust Henri.”

“Okay cool, no problem then.”

“Bro I have to head. I’ll see you when next I'm around.”

The two friends hugged each other goodbye.

Eloho got into the cab that would take him to the university gate and from there he would find his way home. Discman in hand, he began to listen to Kim as the taxi carried him and three others to the gate. He would return to Unilag a few more times but that was the last time he would step into Moremi Hall.