Ranking My Top Films of 2017!

Phew!! What can I say about films in 2017?! In summary, it was The Year of the Colon. Colon?! Yes, the “:” punctuation mark and that other part of the body that is responsible for making shit.

Quite a few films that came out this year featured the colon: giving us a year featuring yet again an abundance of remakes, reboots and sequels, thanks to the expansion of highly bankable comic universes. Adaptations were not left out either as they featured prominently: I mean, why create something original when you can just adapt an existing story format for the big screen, eh?

For perspective on my list we have the following:

• 2 reboots
• 6 remakes
• 10 adaptations
• 11 sequels
• 15 original features 

 And I am happy to mention that our very own Nollywood made the cut!

So, let’s get right into it shall we? But first a bit of explaining is in order… Each time I do this I try to clearly state the criteria that guides my ranking so as not to confuse, befuddle and surprise the casual reader or movie-watcher, critic or buff as to my choice of one film over the other in a ranked listing.

So again, the criteria for the list is:

1. 2017 films I watched (including Netflix Originals)
2. Entertainment Value
3. Plot
4. Expectations Met

And here we go….

44. Mr. and Mrs.: Chapter 2

The supposed sequel to the Nollywood film Mr. & Mrs. was a mistake and I really should have known better than to allow myself be dragged to see this, but it was a slow week at the cinemas. DO NOT WATCH.

43. The Guest

We have another Nollywood flick! The premise although unoriginal made sense. it featured two of Nollywood’s hottest properties, Rita Dominic and Femi Jacobs but what began as a psychological thriller ended up as a lampoon. I mean I had talked 3 of my colleagues into seeing this. “Let’s give it a chance”, I argued. And we did, spending the last 30 minutes of screen time laughing our heads off and infecting others in the hall. No.

42. The Dark Tower

Stephen King was most definitely the content provider for Hollywood in 2017 but not every adaptation does justice to its source material. If you have read the Dark Tower books you had to be amped for the film but from the get-go I had a problem with the choice of casting: I felt that Roland Deschain’s role should have gone to Matthew McConaughey and The Man in Black to Idris Elba. Ultimately, it was the omission of Susannah and Eddie’s characters from the film that were a clear indication that this was going to be a poor one. And it was. I understand that there are talks to make it a TV series which I hope can do justice to the story of The Gunslinger.

41. King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword

Oh, the previews fooled us all! And anyone who says King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword by the great Guy Ritchie (yes, he is still great) is a good film deserves to have his opinion shoved up his/her nose.

40. Sleepless

What went wrong with this film? Featuring Jamie Foxx, Michelle Monaghan, Dermot Mulroney, Gabrielle Union and T.I. this film ought to have rocked, but star power was not enough to prevent me from wishing I had chosen to sleep instead.

39. Alien: Covenant

Ridley Scott should give up already. Why do they keep making crap Alien movies?!! Prometheus was crap and this one was just a non-event in my opinion.

38. Alakada Reloaded

YES! YES!! I went to the cinema to see this. I mean after being inundated with the previews it seemed good for a few laughs (Nigerian comedy style) and it was; a bit overdone but it did its job.

37. 1922

An adaptation of a Stephen King novella, 1922 features Thomas Jane in an unrecognizable look. He plays the role of a farmer who kills his wife to inherit her land when she insists on selling it. I expected to be terrified, but it ended up being long drawn and a rather weak horror film.

36. Security

Antonio Banderas is a former marine who takes on the job of a mall cop only for a small army of bad guys to invade the mall on his first day in pursuit of a teenage witness. Hey, its Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley with some other unknowns! 😊

35. 6 Days

Based on true events, 6 Days is the story of the 1980 hostage situation at the Iranian embassy in London. 6 Days features good performances by Mark Strong and Jamie Bell and Abbie Cornish as the strangest looking and sounding television reporter I have ever seen on the screen.

34. xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

It took more than 10 years and we don’t care for how his being alive was explained but Xander Cage returned to the big screen!!! I mean the first two films were made for boys and young men like me and this featured a multi-ethnic cast including Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Tony Jaa, Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson and Toni Collette. And oh yeah, watch out for the cameo by Neymar.

33. The Mummy

The Mummy wasn’t that bad was it? It may have had one or two failings, but you guys kept comparing it to all the other Mummy movies ever made!! I dug it and I am really looking forward to the proposed “supernatural monsters’ universe”. Go Tom Cruise! 😄

32. Banana Island Ghost

Full disclosure: the producer is a friend. A very ambitious endeavour which could have been edited better for easier continuity but okay performances from Chigurl and the rest of the cast made for a few laughs. Ehen! I have never seen the Lagos lagoon looks so blue!

31. Bright

Flogged by Netflix, Bright held some promise going by the previews, but this movie was one act short of a mess. A mash up of several genres that sought to mirror existing social orders it still managed to fall flat with its ever so predictable plot. The Will Smith magic made it work for me plus Joel Edgerton did his best with the dumb script. My favourite beings were the Orcs who made the Elves look tame despite their supposed superiority. A sequel is in the offing, so it might just get better.

30. Going in Style

Three geriatrics and friends (Oscar winners Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Alan Arkin) decide to rob a bank that has played a part in shafting them of the rewards of their hard-working lives. Feel good stuff based on an original 1979 film.

29. Naked

Marlon Wayans-meets-you’re not good enough to marry my daughter-meets-Groundhog Day. A laugh a minute, Naked sees Marlon Wayans wake up butt naked in a lift and late to his own wedding without a clue to how he ended up there. Naked which co-stars Regina Hall, Dennis Haysbert, Scott Foley, Eliza Coupe and Loretta Devine was very entertaining and was one of the better Netflix films for the year.

28. Fist Fight

Possibly the only other film to feature Ice Cube this year, Fist Fight is the tale of two teachers who spend the last day of the school year antagonizing each other based on perceived slights leading to an after-school showdown! Fist Fight is originally refreshing.

27. Logan

What can I say? Insipid and unoriginal. I had very high expectations for the third Wolverine installment only to be met with the superhero version of every Jean Claude van Damme film since Cyborg! WTH?!!! To everyone else that said that this was not a superhero film – no, it’s not!!! Logan was sad, sad, sad and so cliché ridden, I have decided to blot it from my memory all together. It is only out of respect for Hugh Jackman and Wolverine that is ranks so highly and yes, it is the lowest ranking superhero film on this list.

26. Murder on the Orient Express

It’s murdah on the senses!!! But I am a sucker for whodunnits and Agatha Christie is the queen of them all. Throw in an ensemble cast directed by Kenneth Branagh and it passes.

25. Kingsman: The Golden Circle

More like The Golden Meh. We have had better Gold Circle ads than this film! I had such high expectations! The first part was mad!!! This one was just madness. I blame director Matthew Vaughn for succumbing to the pressure to “Americanize” what should have remained a British National Treasure. Everything about this sequel was lame…Eggsy’s relationship, Hart’s amnesia, the entire American Statesman agency and the lamest villain since Quantum of Solace’s Dominic Greene. The only character I liked was the US President.

24. Baby Driver

This should just have been called “Baby” as it had a lot less driving than anticipated. I was expecting to see an Edgar Wright twist on The Transporter or something, instead it became an artistic piece. Loved the colors and cinematography though and Jamie Foxx as a baddie. Jon Hamm did try to shine here too. Looking forward to seeing Ansel Elgort in more movies. Great plot and a remake might do it justice.

23. Atomic Blonde

Picture John Wick as a more intelligent CIA agent who goes behind the Berlin Wall to extract a database of secret agents while sporting heels, boobs and a blonde wig. Yup, that’s Atomic Blonde, a long ass movie that could have been way shorter for a better ride and more impactful plot twist at the end. Starring Charlize Theron, James McAvoy and John Goodman.

22. Spider-man: Homecoming

Our second Marvel and Superhero movie of the list and yet another reboot of the twice now rebooted Spider-man franchise. A good one and just thankful to Sony for making this happen - a Spider-man film for Generation Zzzzz…

21. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

This movie annoyed me…but not as much as Logan did. It is not a good sequel in my opinion coming from a first installment that made everyone forget about Avengers 2. Marvel should do better with the Guardians going forward.

And who did not make the Top 10 but made the Twenties and Teenies?...

20. War for the Planet of the Apes

Well War ran too long, the first act was ok, second meh and final cliché ridden. I slept off watching this. To be fair, the series has done better than expected and I think it's time it's laid to rest along with Caesar.

19. Kong: Skull Island

Samuel L. Jackson, Loki, Toby Kebbell, John Goodman, Dude from 24, The Walking Dead and Straight Outta Compton, Shea Wingham, an uninhabited jungle island, guns, choppers and the biggest ape of them all, King Kong! This had all the ingredients for a monster hit but still managed to be less exciting than the 3-hour long Peter Jackson one.

18. The Babysitter

LMAO! This was campy, horror schlock at its best. I loved it! The characterizations were well done with adequate build up to the horrific events of the night. Netflix and director, McG did well with this horror genre. Quite a few laughs amidst all the blood.

17. Geostorm

Hmmm…I liked the premise, again I am a huge fan of Gerald Butler, they had like 2 Nigerians in bit roles, Ed Harris, Andy Garcia, a livelier Abbie Cornish, that annoying dude from Misfits, an electric car, disaster porn and space station mishaps. What’s not to like? 

16. Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge/Dead Men Tell No Tales

I am tempted to write this in lisp! The 5^th PoTC film is reminiscent of the first as it goes back to the ghost story/curse plot, which endeared the first film to many before it went off on a box office bomb defying tangent which each successive instalment grating the nerves a bit more than the last. I like the story and the acting. We had mini-Elizabeth Swan and mini-Will Turner, Javier Bardiem in a very convincing literal psycho-ghost-mode and Johnny Depp doing his Jack Sparrow thing to the best of his abilities. Great visuals too.

15. Kalushi

I saw this at this year’s Lights Camera Action film festival in Lagos. Based on a true story, Kalushi is the story of Solomon Kalushi Mahlangu, a 19-year-old South African who having experienced apartheid in 1907s Soweto becomes militarized to take the fight to the Boer, his first mission and trial for murders he was found guilty of by association and the impact it had on the anti-apartheid struggle.

14. Thor: Ragnarok

Thor: Ragnarok is either a very good film or a very tepid one and I chose to go with very good. It had laughs, I got to see The Hulk and Cate Blanchett’s Hela was fire. Easily the best Thor film in the series. Thank you Mr. Waititi.

13. Justice League

I was expecting a flop to be honest but Justice League though not perfect was a solid film and provides a more than adequate platform for the Justice League movies. It is the only other bright star in an otherwise dark DC Cinematic Universe, thanks to Joss Whedon.

12. The Hitman’s Bodyguard

The Loudmouth meets The Motormouth. LOL. But The Hitman’s Bodyguard to me paid homage to all the “unlikely partners-buddie” films that they don’t make any more. It had all the trappings of good action flicks from a by-gone era and I genuinely enjoyed it. Hey, it had Samuel L., Ryan Reynolds, Salma Hayek and Gary Oldman, so yeah it was good.

11. Kidnap

The underrated movie of the year, Kidnap deserves a lot more everything good than it got. It gripped me from start to finish with Halle Berry giving one of her best performances ever as a mother on a high-speed car chase to keep her kidnapped son in her sights. Too bad the legal issues prevented this from becoming a hit.

And now the elite Top 10!

10. Okafor’s Law

I enjoyed every bit of this as it exceeded my expectations! LMAO! Great performances by everyone and kudos to Omoni Oboli for producing and directing this.

PS: I had a waka pass role in this! Erm, no you don’t see my face but at all at all na im bad pass :D

9. Gerald’s Game

I loved it!!! Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood were excellent! Beautifully paced, with very effective cinematography, director Mike Flanagan’s adaptation of this Stephen King novel is worthy of praise. A must-watch and really should be ranking higher on this list. A cautionary tale on why I don’t and probably never will do handcuffs in the bedroom.

8. iBoy

Based on a 2010 book by Kevin Brooks. A shooting leaves a London teenager with powers that revolve around the iPhone he had with him when he was shot. He uses his new-found abilities to hunt those responsible for the rape of his friend. iBoy is a modern and realistic take on the teenage super-hero genre involving social issues of our time. It’s so simple and yet brilliant and had me wondering why it took so long for it to be made.

7. Girls Trip

Laughs, laughs and more laughs! It lived up to the hype! It was good seeing black women winning on the big screen. I went around with a smile on my face for weeks after I saw it.

6. Wonder Woman

Take a bow Patty Jenkins! Wonder Woman achieved what DC and Warner Bros have been trying to do since the last Batman film. Wonder Woman was a spectacle, an edifice and a message which the whole world heard.

5. Dunkirk

How do you make a film that’s not just a visual masterpiece but an auditory one? How do you depict one of the most compelling stories of the human spirit in the face of death with a modicum of dialogue and do it so well, the scenes stay with you long after you’ve left the theatre? Christopher Nolan is still the man.

4. It

You know It had to be in the top 10. The film adaptation of the Stephen King bestseller was epic. The acting, the pacing, the terror all conspired to deliver what was one of my best films of the year. It was a success both critically and financially. It is what Stranger Things wants to be.

3. The Lego Batman Movie

This entire animated film was satire and a pop culture parody fest! I laughed from beginning to the end! Great work by Chris McKay, Seth Grahame-Smith and Chris McKenna. Lego Batman reminds us of two things: that although DC/Warner have struggled with the movie adaptations of their comic properties, they rule the other media (animation and TV); also, that Batman/Bruce Wayne is by far the best character in the DC universe.

2. John Wick: Chapter 2

More headshots!

More tailored suits!

More beautiful women!

More car chases!

More gun-fu!

More hand-to-hand combat!

More improbable sub-plots!

Seeing Laurence Fishburne and Keanu Reeves in the same film since The Matrix Trilogy

Common, Ian McShane and the legendary Franco Nero!

Movie orgasm after orgasm!

We love John Wick!!!

1. Get Out

Jordan Peele is the year’s money maker! A critical (99% score on Rotten Tomatoes, and yes fuck you to whomever lowered its perfect score!) and commercial hit, Get Out for me was the year’s stand out film. A simple story that meshed together several genres to serve a tongue in cheek but harsh critique of racial issues in today’s America. Get Out is the epitome of the African American man’s nightmare. With great and subtle acting by everyone, you’re tensed but you don’t know why you are and at the end you laugh is away but with a never ending, acrid vestige trickling down your throat.

So, there you have it! My ranking of the 2017 films I got to watch. Like it or not, share and leave a comment below.

Ranking My Top Ten (…and more) Films of 2016

This time every year I try to do a ranking of all the films that came out during the year that I have seen. Each time I do this I try to clearly state the criteria that guides my ranking so as not to confuse, befuddle and surprise the casual reader or movie-watcher, critic or buff as to my choice of one film over the other in an ordered listing.

This year, in addition to Entertainment Value and Plot I have added whether the film Met My Expectations or Not as a criterion for ranking. I mean given the hype and expectations with which we welcomed the 2016 movie year there were quite a few duds that really left me hollow.

Indeed, 2016 was a below average year for movies; the army of sequels, superhero flicks and video-game adaptations. So I found “new” stories rather refreshing and will admit a bias towards them. Unfortunately, I did not see so many dramas as my year was extremely busy which is why I am honestly quite surprised I saw 50 2016 titles.

So enough jibber jabber and on to the list!

So again, the criteria for the list is:

• Entertainment Value
• Plot
• Expectations Met

49. Underworld: Blood Wars

The first sequel on this list and apparently, Kate Beckinsale is the new Milla Jovovich. I fell asleep twice watching this.

48. The Jungle Book

Never liked the cartoon and the live-action adaptation did little to change that. Fell asleep once (or twice).

47. The Boss

Melissa McCarthy surprised us all with Spy last year. This is no Spy, this is a pointless movie.

46. Batman: The Killing Joke

Started out well and was quite amped for this but this is by far the worst DC animated feature ever. Hated the Barbara Gordon-Bruce Wayne love arc and the end was quite meh. I guess the writers were going for some sort of psychology themed story where we see that the Joker is ying to Batman’s yang. (No, we did not all read the comic and we don’t care, we just want to be entertained.)

45. Ratchet and Clank

Video-game cartoon adaptation. As far as animated features go this was kinda flat with zero soul.

44. Cell

This Walking-Dead-meets-Technology mash-up could have been a much better movie. Even Samuel L. Jackson and John Cusack couldn’t save this Stephen King adaptation.

43. Mechanic: Resurrection

Another sequel and probably Jason Statham’s worst film. My ex-crush Jessica Alba was as active as a mannequin throughout and the whole thing was border line B-Movie. And oh yeah, Tommy Lee Jones and Michelle Yeoh were in it. Shock! Horror!

42. The 5th Wave

I first thought, “Not another alien invasion dystopian future muck” but the more I saw the preview, the more I suspected this would be an intelligent film. I was wrong. My darling Chloe Grace Moretz wasn’t kick ass enough.

41. How to Be Single

One of the few dramas I saw this year. Great premise, good plot but somehow somehow it petered out flat.

40. Meet the Blacks

Hahaha! Zero expectations, plenty laughs in this B-Movie! Sometimes you just want some silly entertainment and this lampoon worked.

39. Bastille Day

Luc Beeson ohhh! I really tried to like this film but I guess Idris Elba’s acting was not quite it for me. Waste of time.

38. Skiptrace

Jackie Chan and Johnny Knoxville…. go figure. They tried to do another Rush Hour and Shanghai Knights buddie flick but although it has quite some heart it did not quite take.

37. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

I prefer the first one to be honest but it was nice seeing Beebop and Rocksteady “properly” portrayed on the big screen. My kids loved it, so there.

36. Assassin’s Creed

Full disclosure: I only just played the game (Part 3) about two months ago (Trash game but my son likes it). However as a firm believer in “do not judge a movie by its book, comic, cartoon or video game I Stan’d for this film and looked forward to it when I heard Michael Fassbender was going to be in it. People, the movie is pointless. Will not be watching any sequels.

35. Zootopia

You people can hype something sha. This Who Framed Roger Rabbit wannabe was all hype jor. Well, at least the kids loved it – especially the train scene. J

34. X-Men: Apocalypse

Rubbish! Crap! I was sooo annoyed! 20^th Century Fox should just give hand over the rights to Disney! This was appalling. It was like I was watching Days of Future Past -2.0. The Four Horsemen were weak! Apocalypse was so weak I wanted to die! The plot was all over the place. Nothing felt convincing. I swear the only reason why this film is this high up is my love for everything X-men.

33. Batman Versus Superman: Dawn of Justice

The only reason why this film is not at the bottom of this list is my undying love for Batman. For more please watch Hitler Reacts to Dawn of Justice here as it fully captures my thoughts about the movie. And yes, can that lady not return as Lois Lane? Thank you.

32. The Angry Birds Movie

An animated feature adaptation of the monster game. I think it was quite creative the way they told the story of the different kinds of birds and their relationship with the pigs. It’s ok to be angry sometimes.

“I like the beginning and the middle a little. I also like the part when Red said ‘ Wow. My teacher can shoot fireballs.” – my son, Tega

31. Ghostbusters

I was curious, very curious. There was no need for this AT ALL! Crappy humour, overacting made us yearn for the original. Another Melissa McCarthy and Paul Fieg subpar stuff. But we just loved the cameos by the original cast, didn’t we? J

30. Fifty Shades of Black

I won’t lie, I loved the preview. I mean it makes more sense to like the parody of a bad film based on an even worse book, eh? Marlon Wayans delivers once again in yet another lampoon of a people’s favourite. I see a lot of promise in Kali Hawk’s career; she’s a good actor and is banging too!

29. Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad was a marketing success. Warner Bros. successfully fooled a whole bunch of us into watching this film coming at the heels of the sham that was BvS. Viola Davis was the only redeeming factor in this vehicle. The jokes seemed forced and although I would admit that Margot Robbie put in quite a performance, Harley Quinn isn’t quite my thing.

28. Midnight Special

One of those movies I stumbled upon so no expectations. A supernatural sci-fi drama about a boy with unique abilities hunted by special agents, it offered a bit of fresh air albeit reminiscent of old classics like Firestarter. Michael Shannon was at his usual dramatic best with Joel Edgerton supporting quite ably.

27. Doctor Strange

It was with some reluctance that I watched this due to the #Whitewashing controversy. Great effects! Dazzling colours! And what you would expect from Benedict Cumberbatch. Madds Mikkelsen was well, mad in it.

26. Pele: Birth of a Legend

I liked this film. As far as movies about football go, it is always a hard thing to do not to talk of a biopic. But I love the attempt to portray the god that Pele is, another difficult thing about the film. Starring Kevin de Paula and Vincent D’Onofrio. It has heart and spirit but albeit falls short of what a great sports movie should be.

25. The Purge: Election Year

Better than the last one. It made sense and against the backdrop of the coming US elections was great timing. The killer teenage girls shook me.

24. The Magnificent Seven

Yet another remake. Antoine Fuqua’s attempt does absolutely no damage to the 1960 original. With some good acting by Mr. Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke, Chris Pratt, Lee Byung-hun and Vincent D’Onofrio, together with the vistas of the old west provide a throwback of some sort to the western classics of bygone years.

23. Barbershop: The Next Cut

The feel-good film of the year! Love the positive vibes and messages this put out. It was good seeing Deon Cole of Blackish (I love his voice) on the big screen.

22. Central Intelligence

Not in the league of other Kevin Hart flicks but this was not bad at all. Funny as….

21. 10 Cloverfield Lane

A prequel (?) I must confess I did not pay as much attention to this film as I should have. It started a little slow and built up slowly which made for loss of concentration sometimes. However, John Goodman was well…good and the end was worth the previous sluggishness.

20. The CEO

Great attempt at yet another whodunit by the master of Nigerian mystery-suspense, Kunle Afolayan. The cinematography was top notch as usual and although the reveal was rather watery and I respect the daring of this film. Totally enjoyable.

19. The Brothers Grimsby

What else would you expect from a Sacha Baron-Cohen film? Irreverent and potty humour, that’s what, and I am not ashamed to say I loved this film which feature Andy Garcia lookalike Mark Strong.

18. Kung Fu Panda 3

Po and friends were grittier and tougher in this one.

17.  Eddie the Eagle

Taron Egerton is a good actor! I saw the poster and I thought “nah!” Somehow I got a copy to watch and I enjoyed every minute. This is such an inspiring story of self-belief and what the Olympics is really about – participation, as never more evident than in this year’s edition.

16. When the Bough Breaks

I laughed and laughed from start to finish. A dramatic thriller, this film made my day, no, in fact my week! Silly stuff!

15. London Has Fallen

Full disclosure:  I am a Gerard Butler fan. Dude is not a bad actor you know. Yeah, London was not as good as its Olympus but I loved the idea of it. It was fantastic watching all the leaders of the free world get popped like that, just almost as riveting as the White House being attacked in Olympus. In the end it was good fun that set the pace for many of the year’s action flicks to follow and surpass.

14. Keanu

Buddie flicks had been quite tricky to come by for a couple of years and then comes Keanu, no expectation and boom! it slide-tackles you. The misadventures of two square African American friends (Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key) revolving around a cat named Keanu should be one for the ages.

13. The Nice Guys

Another “buddie flick”, yaay! Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe star as a pair of two very different private detectives who team up to try to solve the murder and disappearance of two women in 1970s Los Angeles. I think this successfully paid homage to the buddie flicks of yesteryears.

12. Kubo and the Two Strings

Cool stuff! Thank God for film nerds on the internet for this one sort of flew under the radar. This is the best animated feature this year. Great story line, somewhat weak in the middle but essentially puts the last few adventure cartoons and films of the last few years to shame.

11. Money Monster

Directed by Jodie Foster, this one moved me. I think it was very efficiently done with Jack O’Connell and George Clooney giving good performances. I have seen films like this before but I guess this was more relatable given the recession that we have found ourselves in.

10. The Legend of Tarzan

For some reason, I really like this movie. Maybe it was the opening scene or the Tarzan vs. erstwhile Big Brother Silverback Gorilla fight but it really packed some heavy hitters – Samuel L. Jackson, Christoph Waltz, Alexander Skarsgard, Djimon Hounsou and Margot Robbie as Jane. It took one to a world of make believe and adventure, exactly what a good movie should do.

9. War Dogs

I still can’t get over Jonah Hill’s Efraim’s character laugh! What is that?! Loool. Another movie I was blind-sided by but was fun to watch. Great acting all around especially Mr. Hill’s but couldn’t get a certain “Lord of War” film out of my mind while watching this.

PS: Why is it that people in Miami, let’s just say Florida are nearly always involved in the most outlandish schemes ever? Is it the sun?

8. The Birth of a Nation

I had looked forward to this film since January and I was not disappointed. It took several years to make and I would just like to say kudos for the balls and bravery required to make it. Movies are about storytelling and this film did just that. From beginning to end I was enthralled and moved along with the story that needed to be told on the big screen. Birth of a Nation is hesitant, unsure but still riveting.

7. Now You See Me 2

Hated hated the first part! So I had zero expectations and boy was I surprised! This was more fun, more realistic and more magical. This can finally be part of a long list of good heist films.

6. Jason Bourne

Sequels galore innit? So I kinda like the Bourne series and Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass were both back in the drivers’ seat to remind us how it is done! Featuring fantastic and mad characters (Vincent Cassel? I have no words), this was a joy ride.

5. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

The daresay the best comedy this year. It came 14 years after the first part and although not quite the runaway smash hit that its predecessor was it still made me laugh and left a warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach.

4. The Accountant

I almost appluaed at the end of this movie and I took back some of the bad things I had ever said about Ben Affleck’s acting. The preview did not prepare me for the roller-coaster ride that it is. Brilliant, intelligent and good acting all around, it reminds me of a time gone by in moviedom.

3. Eye in the Sky

And why this film is not No. 1 I do not know; maybe I am biased, maybe it is the fan-boy in me….yes, that is the reason. More movies like this should be made. It was refreshing with a capital “R”. I firmly believe without a doubt that director Gavin Hood evoked from me at the exact scene, every emotion he wanted to extract from his audience. Whaaat?!!! Excellent performances by Dame Helen Mirren, Aaron Paul, Barkhad Abdi and the late Alan Rickman.

2. Deadpool

I mean Deadpool was the movie to beat this year and $783m and 10 months later very few movies did. It was a dream come true of a movie and its distinct success has probably put paid to what is known as the summer blockbuster season! Irreverent, anti-heroic, potty & sexual humour-filled, slow-mo, flow-mo packed hit featuring Ryan Reynolds and Tim Miller in his main directorial debut sees Wade the Mouth put his money where his mouth is and we loved it!

Makes you forgive 20^th Century Fox for messing up that other X-Men film.

1. Captain America: Civil War

Yes, I am a fan boy. Fully #TeamCap.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the highest grossing movie of 2016 at $1.1bn worldwide! And my No. 1 film for 2016! First, I love what Disney or whomever did with the marketing! The digital marketing was insane! We were all made to pick sides, #TeamCap or #TeamIronMan. The various teasers tickled us, arousing our interests as we coud barely wait. The preview with the Spider-Man reveal left us in throes as D-Day finally arrived. And guess what? We were not disappointed! Great storytelling, excellent management of screen time for all the characters we love, great action sequences and effects, numerous talking points – Spider-man’s intro, Ant-Man becoming Giant-Man (I got pissed because the whole Spidey and Black Panther love overshadowed this), Black Panther the new beau (bye-bye Thor!), Bucky and Cap’s double-team on Iron Man etc. Kudos to the Russo Brothers! And I do hope Joss Whedon is taking pointers from them!

So that’s it! I am pretty sure Rogue One, Don’t Breathe and The Wedding Party would have featured in the Top 10 but alas I did not have the time to fit them in before the end of the year. Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all. L

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The Performer

John was livid. How dare she?! To bash him in front of everyone like that – both juniors and seniors! This was one of the reasons he hated this job. The monthly exercises in humiliation masked as monthly performance reviews were getting to him. It was bad enough when it came from the divisional directors but to come from her – a mere senior manager! – it irked his soul.

Was is it his fault that the market was slow? Was it his fault that the old general was voted back into power and that the people wanted change? Ehn, change had come and a slow market was part of or a result of that change. He knew his figures for last month were bad, possibly his worst figures in months. He hated this feeling. He liked the feeling that came with meeting his targets so being brought down to earth like this was humiliating.

He had hoped to just bluster his way through his presentation but she had tenaciously and meticulously pointed out gaps, questioned him on every point, admonished and made him look inept. He raged inside all through her pontificating but outwardly he kept his cool. ‘Dere Coker, she was everyone’s darling, a brilliant officer who was always winning. Oh how he would like to see her lose just once, the fall from grace would be epic. Indeed quite a number of his colleagues were looking forward to that day but so far that day had not come.

He bunched his fingers into a fist as he paced up and down the room. He was worked up and he needed to let go and relax. Next month would be better, he promised himself. He and his team were positive that pending transactions would go through. He would just have to be more bullish. He had to go see Alhaji Dutse and Chief Udechukwu, they were his hope for next month and in fact the rest of the financial year. John pulled out his phone and set a couple of reminders.

As he looked through his phone a message came in. It was from her – ‘Dere Coker. He read the contents and his annoyance increased. Aaargh!! He would have to put her in her place! Forget that she was relatively new to the organization and had won the hearts of many of the bosses including the chief executive with her performance so far; forget that she boasted a masters from an Ivy League school; forget that she knew her onions and was a hard worker; forget that she was increasingly becoming influential; he would deal with her and hurt her in ways he knew how and she would always remember the name John Adeleke.

He snapped out of his thoughts as the lock turned and the door opened. He looked up as she walked - no sashayed - into  the room with her curve-hugging blouse and skirt. His eyes turned into slits as they made eye contact, he John Adeleke and ‘Dere Coker, adversaries in more ways than one. She approached him, eyeing him as he drew himself to his full height. She stopped right in front of him, tilting her head up to maintain eye contact with this proud young man.

John looked at her, taking her all in as she glared at him.

“Why do you have to be so nasty?” he asked.

“Because you like me that way,” she replied.

He clenched his jaws looking at her and tried to control himself.

“I’m going to teach you a lesson.”

She laughed. “What lesson?”

Take off your clothes.”

She smiled at him.

 “Yes, papi. Mr. Performer.”

THE END.

Prose: Happy Birthday.

Timi woke up to the sounds of chirping, the bird had started its early evening cry. He opened one eye and looked down at Ronke who lay on his chest breathing softly. He lifted an arm and looked at his watch confirming that they had not been asleep for long. They had been at it for about 45 minutes, right from when they had shut the door to the room to the third explosion. Well third for him. He could never tell when she was satisfied or when one orgasm ended and the other began amidst her screams; she was non-verbal and fluid like that. She moved at his pace, was ready when he was ready and stopped when he stopped. Her appetite was ravenous and he was happy he could match hers.

Sex with Ronke was not dull neither was it boring. What made it work was perhaps the tacit chemistry that they shared. Physically she was a handful and he felt like a man with her.

She stirred a little and then settled down again. They did not have much time especially as they had chosen to do this during the day. Giving their busy schedules and lifestyles nighttime seemed to be the only reasonable time for such things, so daytime sex was rare.

Timi closed his eyes. He would have to get up soon. He opened them again and gazed on Ronke, the woman he loved with all his heart.

He had met Ronke all those years ago during his NYSC …10 years now. Although he found her very attractive, he never really got to know her then; they would talk occasionally but nothing serious. They went their separate ways but crossed paths two years into his job at the advertising agency where he was now the assistant creative director. She worked for a media agency and was part of the team that came for a presentation one sunny morning. Her agency had done a good job and were signed up which made their paths cross even more. She would stop by at his office and they would talk a little. He then plucked up the courage and asked her on a date. She obliged and their relationship blossomed and blossomed. Now they were here in her bed, a bed he had grown accustomed to over the last eight years. Eight years. How do you not get tired of sleeping with someone in that period of time? He wondered sometimes. But Timi knew he would never tire of her, even when she was old and grey, and he hoped it was the same for her.

They had had their downtimes but never over anything serious. She got him and he in turn got her totally. She never annoyed him, nor him her. Of course like every other women she could get impatient with him sometimes but that was it. She never nagged, did not cling, pushed him when necessary but with all the encouragement required. He tried to be the man she wanted him to be, treated her with enormous respect, and cared for her as much as he could. But deep down inside he told himself that she deserved more than he could give her and wondered if he could ever be enough for her. She never complained though which was a good thing as well as a bad thing. Well maybe it was because she was fiercely independent. She played by her own rules and one just had to be very confident to be with her. Was he confident? Sometimes he felt that perhaps she just felt sorry for him and all. One could be tempted to say that it was just the sex. The sex was very very good but it was more than that. They enjoyed each other’s company and gave each other fair consideration. Although he was the passionate, opinionated kind he reined it in a little for her sake. He never wanted to offend. Ronke probably noticed this and tended to be less flippant than he knew she was. Why did he love her so?

It was probably her self-confidence. She exuded it from day one, it showed in every area of her life. Her weaknesses? Hmmm…

“A penny for your thoughts.”

Timi looked down at her as she smiled still with her eyes closed.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Not long. How long have you been awake?”

“Not long either.”

She opened her eyes and lifted her head to look at him. “Mr. Man, you wore me out as usual.”

Timi grinned sheepishly, “You bring it out of me baby”, he retorted.

Ronke smiled and moved out of his embrace, moving up to his face. “I do, don’t I?”

She kissed him on the lips.

11 seconds later she pulled away.

“Shade will soon be back”, she said as she searched for her bra.

Timi looked at his watch. It was 4:30.

He sighed as he collected himself. He picked up his clothes from the chair beside the bed. She had often teased him about how he always managed to make sure his clothes were neatly arranged before getting into bed with her. He got dressed quickly as she headed into the bathroom. It would not do good for a 16 year old to walk in on them naked.

Ronke emerged from the bathroom and toweled her glistening body. He watched her.

“What?” she asked coyly.

“Nothing” he responded.

“Mr. Man,” she laughed with a knowing look in her eye.

They talked shop and in a short while she was dressed up. She walked up to him and he held her close trying to take in as much of her as he could.

“Are you losing weight?” he asked.

“A little.”

“Madam, small small o. Take it easy.”

Ronke laughed.

The doorbell rang. She kissed him.

“Happy birthday again”, she whispered and then led him to the living room.

“Good afternoon sir… Uncle Timi.”

“Hey Shade, how are you?

“Fine, thank you sir.”

“That’s good. I see your mum is taking good care of you.”

“Yeah she tries.” Shade said with a smile.

“Okay so I’ll see you later.”

Ronke walked him out to his car. He got in.

“So call me?” she asked.

“I will”, he promised.

Timi drove down her street and out of her estate, his thoughts with Ronke. Why they were not together, he was not sure. He had thought about this often. Maybe it was his fault or just a case of bad timing for him and for her but all he knew was that in another place and another time he would definitely be with her, the way they should be.

32 minutes later he climbed up to his apartment. He fiddled with his keys and slipped one into the lock. But before he could turn the key the door opened from the other side.

“Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!!”

The chorus was led by his six year old daughter who stood beside her mother as she held forth his birthday cake.

Timi smiled as he hugged his wife and son. He closed the door behind him shutting Ronke out for the time being.

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Does it Matter Where I Work?

Okay so over the weekend  I got invited to my old friend Tony’s soiree. I had nothing to do and figured it would be a good idea to go mix with people and enjoy an evening of small chops, drinks and nice conversation, plus Tony really knows how to throw these things. These objectives were achieved with the added benefit of food for thought that inspired this article.

I got there an hour late and met about 10 people with 3 of us being guys. So my first conversation was with a group of three women. I introduced myself and they did as well and one of them quickly asked, “Are you Tony’s colleague?”I responded in the negative and the conversation petered out almost as soon as it had began. 

I gravitated towards where the drinks were as any responsible young man would. Soon enough drink in hand I found myself seated with a young lady and we went through the introductions.

“Hi, I’m TJ.”

“Hello, my name is Anna.”

“Pleased to meet you Anna.”

“Same here…. Do you work with Tony?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Oh ok, so where do you work?”….

I told her and this time we spent some time in good conversation about our jobs and other things before we both had to go mingle with the now growing group.

I met a few old friends and acquaintances and we played catch up but at the back of my mind was why the two women I spoke to started by asking me whether I worked in the same office with Tony? It couldn't be a coincidence. I mean, to know where I worked it would have been easier to ask just that: “Where do you work?” or the generic “So what do you do?” which usually gives elbow room for vague responses. I had a hunch and it seemed to make small sense.

I encountered another girl at the small chops table and thankfully we just said hi and smiled at each other. But it happened again, the question: “Are you Tony’s colleague?” No way it was a coincidence. This time I just smiled and said no. After we got that out of the way, we talked for a long while as she regaled me with her mischievous antics as a teenager. It was fun really.

As I walked towards my car I smiled a knowing smile as I fully accepted my hunch. You see my friend Tony works in one of the well-known oil servicing companies. He lives in an estate with houses that price their rent at figures I could not afford even if my annual salary was tripled. He was single and maybe they thought I was. It made sense. So what if I had said “Yes, I do”, what would have happened I wonder? Would I have been accorded more civility by the first set of girls? The other two women were very cool but it was still odd that they would ask me that same specific question first. I wondered if the other guys in the room got the same question. I may never know.