Crash and Burn! My Review of Flight

Oh wow! Wow! Those were the words in my head as I watched veteran film maker Robert Zemeckis’ Flight. Flight starring two time Academy Award winner Denzel Washington, tells the story of Captain William "Whip" Whitaker, an alcoholic and recreational druggie, who successfully crash lands a passenger jet while under the influence of drugs and booze. Whip saves 96 out of the 102 passengers and crew members on board. Unfortunately, one of the dead is his flight attendant and occasional girlfriend, Katerina Marquez (Nadine Velasquez), who had been out partying with him the previous night.

The film follows the subsequent investigation into the remote and immediate causes of the plane crash and the heroics of Whip Whitaker whose unconventional method of flying the plane upside brought it out of its nose dive; a move which undoubtedly saved the 96 lives. Hired by the airline to control the situation are Charlie Anderson (Bruce Greenwood) an old friend of Whip’s, and lawyer Hugh Lang (Don Cheadle). This is a tough task as the toxicology report on Whip shows that he was intoxicated at the point of the crash. However, Hugh uses his skills to quash the report and assures that it would not see the light of day. With a hearing by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) a few days away, he approaches his co-pilot for the day Ken Evans (Brian Geraghty) and regular attendant on his flights, Margaret Thomason (Tamara Tunie) and coerces them to testify that that the SouthJet flight 227 was just like “any ordinary day”. They agree.

Whip retreats from the spotlight and befriends Nicole (Kelly Reilly) an addict he meets at the hospital. Now while they try to draw strength from each other on the road to the recovery, Whip slips back into his ways as he finds it hard to deal with the attention, the pressure from the media, his lawyers, the airline and his ex-wife’s refusal to let him see his son. Before long, Nicole abandons him telling him that his refusal to get better is not good for her own recovery. He hits rock bottom and has to move in with Charlie so as to stay clean into the hearing. However, the night before the hearing, having been checked into a locked and mini-bar-free hotel room, he takes advantage of an unlocked door to an adjoining room and proceeds to empty its mini-bar. The next morning Charlie and Hugh are furious when they find him drunk with the hearing an hour away. Harling Mays drug dealer and friend of Whip’s, played by John Goodman is called in. He brings some cocaine which straightens Whip out in time for the hearing.

At the hearing he scales through all the questions asked by lead investigator Ellen Block (Melissa Leo). It is revealed that the plane crash was caused by a mechanical malfunction. Whip is in fact praised for his heroics echoing the sentiments of the media. Ms. Block asks a final question as to the presence of two empty bottles of vodka found in the crashed plane. The presence of the bottles is contentious as Whip had ordered that drinks not be served during the flight due to turbulence. And since Katerina’s report was the only one that showed alcohol in her bloodstream, Ms. Block asks Whip if he thinks Katerina may have been intoxicated at the time of the crash. Whip replies in the negative admitting that he was the one that drank the vodka (which was true), that he was intoxicated at the time of the crash and that he was currently intoxicated. The hearing erupts with an angered Hugh and Charlie. Whip gets convicted of manslaughter and serves a five year sentence.

Phew! I just had to write that long plot synopsis to sort of help put the rest of the review in perspective. Flight is one powerful film, one that would have been talked about for days if it had come out in the 80s or 90s - a classic. But in today’s film terrain is it so easy for a film like Flight to get lost in the crowd. Acting was very good all around. There was no over-acting as the STORY was the star of the film. However, Denzel Washington’s performance was painfully convincing bearing in mind that we could only see the outsides of who the man Whip was. Can anyone really adequately evince the internal conflict that Whip was going through? I sense this was deliberate by director Zemeckis (Back to the Future I-III, Forrest Gump, Cast Away, Beowulf, A Christmas Carol) and writer John Gatlins (Coach Carter, Real Steel).

A hero to many, a damaged person to himself and those who knew him, Whip Whitaker was a bit of an anti-hero. I found myself not caring whether or not he was drunk, crunk or freaking asleep!  He did save 96 lives! He saved 96 lives when everyone could have died! The mechanical fault was not his, he was in control and he executed a move he probably would not have thought of had he been sober. This was confirmed when simulations of his flying the plane upside down by other pilots all ended in crashes.

But the truth was that Whip was an addict; the kind of drunk and junkie that laymen would not recognize  his type required a trained eye. Whip was also a survivor: he had survived his childhood, his failed marriage and was trying to survive his condition when the plane crashed. Heck he was even trying to survive the investigation! But he was doing that in the wrong place. The scene where he goes around the farm house removing stashes of beer and bottles of alcohol had me with my mouth open. Dude was an alcoholic! Booze was within easy reach in EVERY room of the house!

Whip was shown sometimes winning the fight against his addiction but always eventually giving in to it. Even Nicole’s presence could not help him as he threatened to drag her down too. The hotel room scene where he opens the mini-bar and sees what could best be described as a “drunkard’s heaven” was classic. He opens the mini-bar, and slowly takes in its contents. He picks up and fingers a miniature bottle of vodka, opens it and inhales the all too familiar essence. With each movement taking him a step closer to yielding into temptation, he seems to finally win the battle by screwing the cap on tight and placing the bottle on the closed table top and walking away. The optimists among us are all about to cheer but alas, in a brilliant twist he reaches out to grab the bottle. Even the cynics are a little sad.

Consequently, Flight is a story about addiction and what is sometimes required to end it – a big ass stage! For Whip he had coasted on a drug and alcoholic wave and would have coasted into the books as a hero but just at the last minute, just as he could have put the issue behind him forever, he spills his guts. What is remarkable is that he could have done it privately, in rehab or even at Nicole’s AA meeting where no one would have judged him. But at the risk of tarnishing a defenceless Katerina’s memory, he instead chose to spill at the one place where everyone was sure to hear. Ms. Block gave him two outs and he opted for the significantly more painful one, but one that would save him. He must have feared that if he missed this chance to repent, he would not have gotten another. Flight shows us that sorting ourselves out is most times a very painful process; we have to be willing to fight our very nature or the person that we have become. We can lie to everyone, gloss over our lives but in the end we cannot really lie to ourselves.

I liked Flight a lot. It was a good story where you do not know whether to root for Denzel Washington’s Whip or not. In the end you seat back and hope that the right thing is done. In the end, it is.

I Am Tired Jor!

Right now I am so depressed, so sad, so angry but most of all I am weak, so weak I just want to lie down and hibernate. With each passing day I find that every single thing I was taught as a child by my parents, my priests, my teachers, my elders has been for naught. Not lies but truths that have no place in this entity called Nigeria. A nation where corruption and evil go unpunished; even worse they go rewarded.

Since the days of Tafa Balogun, it has become a proven scam: steal a few billions from state coffers, (not millions, for a few millions are not enough to keep you out of jail) when caught, plead guilty and save the state (i.e. the police/EFCC, and judiciary) the cost of an expensive and lengthy trial while making them look good at their jobs. Give assurances of full cooperation and willingly return say 20 per cent of the loot in cash and another 20 per cent in property, then spread say 10 per cent among those who might ask for a cut and you get a nine months to 2 years sentence at a not-so-bad prison where you would reign as the “president” and are sure to be out after seven months; OR if you are lucky you get the option of fine with no time served. After that long sentence and all is said and done you could easily walk away with 10 billion neat. I swear someone should sign me up for this scam for that is what it is!

“Come Danladi, you know that NIPOST pension money?”

“You mean the N500bn?”

“Yes, you as the chief finance officer have access to it, is this not so?”

“Yes and so?”

“Ok this is what we are going to do; you will use your office to steal...

....then when you are released you pocket a cool N25bn while you give us N25bn...don’t mind Nigerians, they have short memories, they will soon invite you to be the state chairman of the party, give you a chieftaincy title and the pastors will make you a deacon sef....”

“Ok, I am in!”

It really is that simple! Corruption thrives simply because we reward it. Instead of punishing the looters we slap them on the wrists and embrace them when they are released. Who says (big) crime does not pay? I say “we” because “we” are the ones who write the laws or have refused or simply do not understand that “we” are not excluded from lawmaking. This is why I have trouble with democracy and Africans, for we do not fully comprehend what democracy is all about! It is about using our numbers to push for, lobby and demand certain “goods” rights as citizens of a nation! If we all understood the concept of democracy which strives to achieve that “common good” for all, we would not stand for these evils pervading our land. Or perhaps it is a twisted version of democracy that has made us the way we are – a bunch of silent aiders and abetters.

I suspect the real reason why we have not as a mass body fought corruption to a standstill is that deep deep down inside, we are all waiting for our turn at the dinner table of power where we will have a go at the national cake! We swallow and turn a blind eye to grave injustices and romanticising of theft and robbery, not saying a word, giving excuses and blindly attacking the few that have the courage to speak up all because we anticipate the day when it is our turn to “chop”; and when that day comes may God punish the devil that tries to truncate our time at the table!!!

What am I saying? The young Nigerian has watched how corruption has made a number of Nigerians wealthy beyond their wildest dreams in a seemingly “turn by turn” system. In the 80s and 90s it was the Northerners and Westerners, now in this new administration it is the turn of the South-South so by simple reasoning and hope and if “zoning” works out in the next elections it will be the turn of my father’s brother’s in-law’s wife’s second cousin who is an ACN big-wig!! Ope o! Again, may Amadioha silence the mouths of those who rise up to condemn him and us!!

The most interesting journey I ever  undertook in this country was about five years ago in a 12-seater bus from Lagos to Benin with Nigerians from across different ages, gender and tribes. We had quite a few interesting discussions during the journey as a road trip that used to take three hours flat, now took almost five. The one that stood out for me was the one on corruption. Oh it was a volatile one! Passengers were seething with righteous anger and all calling for the Jerry Rawlings treatment for those who deserved it!! But one lady said something which cooled the flames. She said that we should be careful for what we ask for, that if indeed this Rawlings treatment is meted out who would survive? Some beat their chests and said that they were clean. To this she retorted, “You can vouch for yourself, but can you vouch for that your uncle who is in NPA? Or your in-law that is a state CP? Or that elder in your church who donated N10million towards the new church building?! Or that your old classmate who gave you that juicy contract that you lobbied for? Behold if the Rawlings treatment starts, it may come to your doorstep!!” She went further, “Okay, if you were the head of recruitment at a company or a government agency and you were down to two gifted candidates who were vying for a single opening, would you give it to the better of the two or the one that was related to your spouse’s uncle or from your village?” At this quite a few people fell silent. Only one lady was able to say that she would give it to the better candidate. To this someone laughed and said “Then your husband’s people will carry your name to church for prayers!”  

These are the reasons why we remain bedroom and siddon-look activists. If you want to fight evil, you give no quarter, and you fight without fear!! For should you hesitate, it will consume you leaving you worse of than you were before.

Like one of my former facilitators would say: “I do not intend to pontificate but to illuminate.” I am not perfect but I strive towards perfection. So my brothers and sisters let us take our nation back! Back to the days when our parents ate half a chicken in the refectory at the universities, when salaries were paid on time, when pensions were not stolen, when men of God worshiped God and not mammon, when religion did not supercede common sense and intelligence,  when a Super Eagles match was a time for collective pride and not ridicule, when policemen wore the uniform with pride, when our leaders spoke the truth in service and not lies in dishonesty, when we endorsed brilliance and industry not mediocrity and sloth, and when being a Nigerian meant something good.

Sigh....I am tired jor.

The D is Silent: A Review of Django Unchained

Late 2011 when I heard that a Quentin Tarantino “remake” of Django was in the works I was not too happy. Why was I sceptical? Simply put I was afraid Tarantino would taint the iconic character that Django was to me. I had the pleasure of watching the two original Sergio Corbucci Django films starring Franco Nero as a kid – Django (1966), Django Strikes Back (1987), cult classics like so many other spaghetti westerns. What would Tarantino do I wondered? His rehash of Enzo Castellari’s Inglorious Bastards (1978) to Inglourious Basterds (2009) was fresh in my mind and while the latter was a fabulous remake of the original I just could not get my head around the fact that the movie revolved around a black slave! C’mon! Tarantino that is taking things too far! I screamed in my mind. But reading the screenplay and watching the film changed it all.

Tarantino’s Django Unchained tells its own story although he borrows the name “Django” and the revenge plot of the earlier films. So in other words Django Unchained is very much its own film. However, Tarantino turns a genre on its head where he features the avenging cavalier as a black ex-slave who goes about legally killing white folks who have done him wrong! I guess this is the kind of effrontery that has made Tarantino the director that he is.

Jamie Foxx shows up in the way only he can as he brings this remixed Django to the big screen. He plays his role quite effectively without any over the top acting. Initially he portrays a black slave just going along with the plans of his new master - a crazy white dentist-turned-bounty-hunter who is obviously “not from around these parts”. But as he becomes an equal partner he grows into his own man, a man who having removed the shackles of slavery wants his wife back and will kill as many men (white or black) in order to achieve his aim. Or is this all an act? Perhaps he only played the characters of angry, former slave/bounty hunter/One-eyed Charlie a little too well? You slowly realize that a black man born into slavery and only recently set free would have to put on a different persona from the one he is used to in order to survive his new found freedom and to fulfill his quest.

Dr. King Schultz played by Christoph Waltz was at his insidious best. The irony that a German doctor gives a black slave his freedom and helps him on his mission to rescue his lost slave wife in 19^th century America is not lost. Waltz portrays the foreign-dentist-turned-bounty-hunter with aplomb almost equal to but yet a  mirror image of his performance in Inglourious Basterds. He is once again sublime in his delivery and acting.

Leonardo DiCaprio as Calvin J. Candie gave a good performance as is with DiCaprio’s acting. Kerry Washington effectively played the damsel in distress. 

Now, Samuel L. Jackson’s Stephen was vintage Samuel L. Jackson! He played the part to a T so much so that a colleague remarked that he should not have gotten paid for the role!! I quite agree. Stephen’s loud talking, foul-mouthed, condescending Uncle Tom was just right. Seeing Jonah Hill had me in stitches his appearance was hilarious for some reason but he played his part well.

It was a great pleasure to see the original Django, Franco Nero in a cameo. The scene which was not in the original screenplay where he talks to Jamie’s Django asking if he could spell his name brought tears to my eyes. In that instant I forgave Quentin.

The film’s score and music was mad!!!! Right from the opening credits we are greeted with frequent Tarantino collaborator, prolific film scorer including numerous spaghetti westerns, and Academy Award winner Luis Bacalov’s “Django” which takes one back to when spaghetti westerns ruled the screens. The humorous “His Name Was King” reminds us that this is all just entertainment but Rick Ross’ anachronistic “100 Black Coffins” and the dialogue by Django and Billy Crash (Walton Goggins) leading to it was definitely one of the high points of Django Unchained; to say it was apt would be an understatement.

Filled with quite a few controversial themes and discussion points that could take days to discuss, in the end Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained is almost a hyperbole. Despite the usual generous helping of blood and guts we have come to associate with Tarantino's films, Django Unchained applies just the right amount of fantasy.  Indeed, all the characters are acting, some living a fantasy, some striving for one: from wanted outlaw Willard Peck who takes on the role of Sheriff Bill Sharp, to Django a slave who plays a free man, and to the house n***er Stephen who kowtows before his master when in character and then sits in his master's chair, sips his brandy and talks to him as an equal when out of character, Django Unchained (apologies to Spike Lee) is simply just a fantasy – what every damn good film should be. 

Why the Negro/African/Black Man/Nigerian is the Way He Is (Thoroughly Random Musings!)

I have often taken time out to try to understand why the black race or Negroes or Africans or Nigerians or what-you-will are the way we are. I mean we’re so backward while the rest of the world, even Asia, is far far ahead of us. I have had cause to almost regret being born African in this Dark Continent/Country where the ‘light’ refuses to ‘shine’. I’ve lived twenty nine long years in this country and in that period we have not been able to have uninterrupted power supply, potable water, smooth roads, etc.

I watched the Obama inauguration and marvelled at that nation called the United States of America. I watched the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympic Games in 2008 and was tripped by the performance of the Chinese, a race of people we Nigerians mock but still a nation using its great population to make themselves relevant! So much so that they have now become a threat to the existing super power clique of economically-superior nations. A few years ago, Nigeria and Singapore were both termed ‘third world nations’…. Oops my bad! I meant to write ‘developing nations’. A few years later Singapore is now categorised as a ‘Developed Nation’, with Singapore Airlines winning best airline in the world twice in a row! I also understand that oil was discovered in Nigeria and the UAE around the same time… today Dubai is a tourist haven, an expanse of sand turned into paradise on earth. Nigeria? Go figure.

There’s a book “Capitalist Nigger: The Road to Success, a Spider-Web Doctrine" written by a Nigerian, Dr. Chika Onyeani which tries to educate the black man for the need to change his ways of thinking, his ways of seeing and doing things. Dr. Onyeani mentions "Blacks are economic slaves because they lack the "killer-instinct" and "devil-may-care" attitude of the Caucasian, as well as the "spider web economic mentality" of the Asian." The black man is said to be innately naïve – another word for ‘fool’; thinking that everyone has his best interests at heart being ready and able to dish out aid just because we are our brothers’ keepers!

For years the Negro has tried to live down claims of inferiority to these other races with some success – mainly in sports, music and entertainment in general. Whites and Asians do not have two heads, do they? So why are we at the bottom of the developmental ladder? A continent always on the look-out for international aid? A continent unable to carry out free and fair elections? A continent ravaged by war, disease and hunger? A continent whose people flee in droves in search of a better life? What has the black man achieved or contributed to the world? But that’s not the question I attempt to answer in this uneducated write-up. No, I seek to postulate two reasons as to why we are so underdeveloped socially, intellectually, culturally, financially, technologically, etc.

The Curse.

Personally, I believe that our problems as to why we are the way we are can be traced to the beginning of the Bible. Yes, the Bible. In Genesis Chapter 9 the story is told of Noah and his sons after the deluge. We are told that only Noah, his three sons - Shem, Ham and Japheth - and their wives were spared by God during his destruction of mankind. Now post-deluge, Noah plants a vineyard and upon harvest makes wine (probably the first distillery!) proceeds to drink his fill and promptly gets drunk ending up naked in his tent. Ham one of his sons happens along and spots his naked father in his stupor and laughs at the old man’s nakedness. To make matters worse he goes off to find his brothers to ‘tatafo’ to them. Shem and Japheth do not see anything funny and leave their disrespectful brother to tend to their father. The Bible says they took a sheet between themselves and walked backward so as to avoid seeing their father’s nakedness and covered him up. They probably cleaned him up too!

Waking up with a blinding hangover, Noah is told the events following his drinking binge and immediately dispatches curses and blessings among his sons. No points for guessing who got cursed! The Bible says in Genesis 9 v 24-27 in the New Century Version:

24 Noah was sleeping because of the wine. When he woke up and learned what his youngest son, Ham, had done to him,25 he said,
"May there be a curse on Canaan!
May he be the lowest slave to his brothers."
26 Noah also said,
"May the LORD, the God of Shem, be praised!
May Canaan be Shem's slave.
27 May God give more land to Japheth.
May Japheth live in Shem's tents,
and may Canaan be their slave."

And so in this way, Noah effectively cursed his son Ham for dishonouring him. Now guess what? The black man, the Negro or ‘Cush’ as written in the Bible is a descendant of Ham! Read your Bible it’s there in Genesis. Now gbam! Therein lies the cause of our congenital problem of underdevelopment! We were cursed due to an offence committed by our fore-father. Which race became the slaves of the white man ‘Japheth’ and his Asian brother ‘Shem’? (Abeg, make una no condemn me for this o! LOL). Yes, I admit that the link is a bit tenuous but the Bible does not lie! Or how else do you want to explain the reason we are the way we are and where we are? I invite you to try.

Living the Life of Riley in a Non-Hostile Environment.

This alternative reason as to why the black man is so laid back in his thinking and development was actually postulated by my boss (Dr. M. Nzeribe) following a discussion on the remote and direct reasons for our lack of self reliance. My boss likes to talk but his explanation was surprisingly short so I had the job of building on his premise.

Blacks as situated on the African continent have never had it so good. Relative to the hostile climate of Europe, Asia, Antarctica, Australia and the Americas ours is quite literally a stroll in the sun (pun intended!) He says that due to our clement weather the African never really felt challenged by his environment. The tropics were just ideal. It lacked the fierce colds of the temperate regions like Russia; the flood prone lands of south-east Asia; the biting heat of the desert day and the freezing cold of the desert night. In short, shelter and clothing were not a problem. He could live in trees like the apes and go about in a loin cloth without a care in the world.

Transportation? No problem, as a three day stroll to the next major market would not kill him as the sun was friendly. Besides, he did not have horses so the idea of inventing the wheel did not occur to him, why should it? The white man had to think of ways to get to his destination faster because if he stayed out longer than necessary the elements would get him!

Food. The African had it good, with fertile soils, ample rains and good old tropical sun, he didn’t have to stretch himself to plant and harvest. The food simply grew and he simply harvested. Barns and storage sheds if any were basic as there was no need to construct elaborate structures to store grain.

Technology. Wetin concern tortoise with 5-bedroom mansion? There was simply no need for tools other than those used to hunt and gather. I still stifle a laugh whenever I read or remember that our fore-fathers sold their brothers as slaves for mere trifles like mirrors, glass, marbles, guns (without gunpowder), etc.

There were no real challenges that the African had to overcome; life was good as the gods had been good to him. And this he acknowledged by ‘blindly’ worshipping different gods. If one was sick, it meant that the gods needed to be appeased. No rain? Appease a different god. No children? Appease the god of fertility. Plague, pestilence or pillaging marauders? Appease the gods. So nothing was developed as the man refused to think for himself as everything that could go wrong was out of his hands, the gods were to blame! (Er, I think I’m just about guilty of this same attitude to our problems as explored in the first part of this write-up! Sheesh, talk about the apple not falling far from the tree!)

Meanwhile, the other races on the planet were fighting earthquakes so they built stronger houses; were fighting cold so they discovered ways to heat their homes; were fighting darkness so they developed electricity; were fighting disease and death so they discovered advanced medicine and drugs; were fighting oppression and conquest so they invented diplomacy and weapons (of mass destruction?); were fighting delays so they invented fast cars and airplanes; were fighting boredom so they went to the moon, invented the television, the radio, cinema and Facebook!

I ask again what has the African invented? Nothing, so "We've become a sheep-like consumer race that depends on other communities for our culture, language, feeding, and clothing. We've become economic slaves in Western (and now Eastern) society,” (quoting the good Dr Onyeani again!)

So where do we go from here and what might be the solution to our underdevelopment?

I haven’t the faintest idea (or maybe I’m just too damn lazy to think about it? : ) )


Copyright 2009 TJ O'karo

Why My Pastor Needs a Private Jet

Church: Halleluyah!!!!!!!!!

Brother: Actually I will be talking on the topic, "Why my pastor needs a Private Jet." I believe you have not exhausted your daily quotas of 'Amen' because you'll need to say 'Amen' repeatedly as we go along.

Children of God, it is time for global revival! The church in Nigeria is to carry this end-time message around the world and she needs tools! My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel with teaching appointments in many countries and this work is far too important to be left to airline schedules.

You see, my Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“Catholic”) Italy. Italy ranks 1st globally in Maternal Mortality. Just 4 women die in Italy in 100,000 births in a whole year. In Nigeria, about 50,000 women die due to Childbirth annually. In fact, Nigeria is 2nd globally with the highest maternal mortality rate and contributes 10 per cent to the world’s total maternal deaths. My Pastor needs a private jet from members without health care to go and teach the Italians how to live in health and deliver safely.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“liberal”) America. America ranks first in GDP globally, whilst Nigeria ranks 43rd through oil exports. My pastor needs a private jet from members who produce nothing to go teach hard work to the Americans.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“permissive”) Sweden. Sweden was top 3 in the last Corruption Index whilst Nigeria ranked 143 out of 182 countries. My pastor needs a private jet gotten from the proceeds of corruption to go and teach the Swedes how to be righteous.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“immoral”) Brazil. Brazil ranks 2nd globally in actualizing development goals whilst Nigeria ranks 90 out of 133 in making development progress. My pastor needs a private jet from a stagnant people to go teach Brazilians how to move forward.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“Shinto”) Japan. Japan ranks 2nd globally in life expectancy whilst Nigeria ranks 185 out of 202. My pastor needs a private jet from people who die needlessly, daily and before their time, to go pray for the Japanese to live long.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“communist”) North Korea. North Korea ranked 1st in Adult Literacy globally whilst Nigeria ranked 129th! My pastor needs a private jet from an illiterate congregation to go impart knowledge to the Koreans. (Cuba 2nd)

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“atheist”) China. China ranks 1st in the world in High Tech Exports, whilst Nigeria ranks 90th. My pastor needs a private jet from members who work in Chinese companies to go teach the Chinese how to be productive.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“unchristian”) Israel. Israel has the world’s most developed R&D sector, whilst Nigeria ranks 90th globally in Research. My pastor needs a private jet from members who discover and develop nothing to go teach the Israelis divine inspiration

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“Buddhist”) Thailand. Thailand has an unemployment rate of less than 1% of its population, whilst in Nigeria it’s as high as 40%. My pastor needs a private jet from a jobless congregation to go teach the Thais how to be gainfully employed.


Yes, my pastor needs a private jet, to take to the world what he has been unable to accomplish at home

(Look at my life, look your life, na who e clear say dey serve God? If we apply that philosophy here, all pastors will sit at home and pray for Nigeria which indeed is in dire straits. You cannot take coal to Newcastle, nor Sugar Cane to Brazil nor Christ to the very people that gave him to us).

Author unknown.

GIVING BIRTH TO JUST GIRLS...If Obama Was Truly African by ENA OFUGARA

GIVING BIRTH TO JUST GIRLS...If Obama Was Truly African by ENA OFUGARA

Seeing Obama walk up the stage with his two lovely daughters had me imagining things and laughing yet saddened... saddened that till date, women who, through no fault of theirs, gave birth to just female children suffer still.

I just imagined that Obama's mother was African. Suspend belief for a while and go with me down this lane. If you are Nigerian, the following conversation between Michelle Obama and fictional Mama Obama and Barrack Obama will be easy to relate to.

This is probably happening to a woman (and man) you know.

ENJOY...or think.

LOCATION: WHITE HOUSE. INT: NIGHT

Mama Obama wakes Michelle up and calls her into the sitting area

Mama Obama: Ehen Michelle, how body

Michelle: I am fine ma.

Mama Obama: Na your turn. Now you ask me how my own body

Michelle: What is wrong ma? Are you sick? Do you want money? What is it?

Mama Obama: You dey ask me abi? As you see Barrack Marry so, u no like am?

Michelle: I do not understand ma.

Mama Obama: If to say I no born boy, who u for marry? If to say na only girl pikin I born. Tell me

Michelle: Ma...

Mama Obama: No "ma" me there. Ma ma ma, your first pikin done reach to born and still I never see boy pikin wey go inherit this white house. As George Bush son inherit him papa post come become president, e no good?

Michelle: But Ma, we do not have a choice as to the sex of the child God gives to us. If we even believe science, it is Barrack as the man that determines the sex of the baby, if it will be a boy or a girl. It is he that has the Y and X chromosome.

Mama Obama: eh eh eh. Hold am there. You mean say my pikin "ameoma" (semen) no strong reach to born boy?Naim U dey talk????????

Michelle: It is not by strength of semen. It is God's choice

Mama Obama: So na me sin so tay God dey punish me say I no go carry pikin go circumsize abi? U dey call me sinner. (Shouts as she ties her head tie around her waist and calls Barrack Obama. Barrack comes out, tired from perhaps plans to bomb Iran)

Barrakiii, Barrakii, come hear wetin your wife dey talk. She say me I be sinner. She say your sperm no strong reach to born boy. She want make your papa name die. yeh yeh yeh yeh

Barrack Obama: Mama what is it again? I told you to please let this matter die. "Omotejokwo". A girl is a person as well.

Mama Obama: Ebabo!!! Me ta ro. I said it. I talk am say Michelle done use juju for you. I talk am. (Turns around and begins to pray in Mountain of fire style) Blood of Jesus. Blood of Jesus!!! Holy Ghost Fire!!! Burn them, burn them.Anybody that has used juju on my son,die! die!! die!!!

Barrack Obama: Mama, nobody used Juju on me. Bill Clinton has only one girl called Chelsea. I have two. What do u expect Bill's mother to do?

Mama Obama: (To Obama in a softer voice). Omo me. My pikin. You no dey hear wetin people dey talk? Them say you and Clinton na Illuminati. say na una boy pikin una take do the jazz wey make una president.

Barrack Obama: And u believe that nonsense?

Mama Obama: You know world people with their dirty mouth wey dem no dey brush. But no be say u do am oh. Just try born boy wey go inherit this big fine White House.

Barrack Obama: mama, this is not my house. In a few years I have to pack out. It is for the president of the United States.

Mama Obama: You see! If your boy pikin become president e bad? You know see Bush Pikin?

Barack Obama: What stops any of my girls from being presient if they work towards it? Hilary Clinton is someone's daughter and she will likely be the next president. My daughters are brilliant girls

Mama Obama: No dey put word for my mouth. I tell you say dem no brilliant? I say make u use one boy support them two make mind rest.

Barrack Obama: Mama, I have always supported women to be equal to men in the working place. It is this kind of behaviour that is making Chinese people to be commiting foeticide,

Mama Barrack: Fwety wetin

Barrack Obama: Foeticide. This is the killing of a foetus. In China you are allowed only one child and since a lot of parents prefer boys, they do scan to determine the sex of the unborn child and if it is a girl, they terminate the pregnancy. The girl-child is as important as the boy child. It is our battle in Pakistan and all over the world and what we are trying to achieve that girls be treated no different. It is why the whole world condemned the shooting of Malala Yousufza by Muslim extreemists. All this girl wanted was for girls to have education just like boys. thank God her life was spared. Mama, a girl can be whatever if you give them same opportunities.

Mama Barrack: (Hand on head) EGBELUGHE!!! You say boy pikin and girl pikin na the same? You no hear say for Benin na only boy dey inherit Igiogbe which is the house a man stayed? You want make other people inherit all this your property abi???

Barrack Obama: I am a lawyer just like my wife. I know the Benin tradition. If a man does not want his son to inherit his house, he can sell the house while alive to any of his children and pack out and rent a flat. If the house is not his at time of death, it cannot be inherited by a stupid son.

mama Obama: So na this one i send you go law school go read abi? All the garri I fry take train you, na how u no go take born boy you dey plan abi?

Michelle: Mama, we did not plan not to have boys. I believe in what God has given me. The children are gold to me

Mama Obama: (to Michelle) As I never turn face you, you no go quiet abi? If you use the book wey them say you know well well take born boy e bad???

Barrack Obama: mama, I have a country to run, I need to sleep. You are disturbing us seriously

Mama Obama: Me dey disturb you? For how many days I done dey here wey I take dey disturb you??? No be your sister dey take care of me since? You, I never come your house reach one week, you done dey drive me. Meanwhile you wife mama dey come here stay one year.

Barrack Obama: It is because you never let my wife rest.

Mama Obama: I talk am. Your wife na weeeeeeensh. She done turn you against me. Me wey before you come outside wey I dey born you, this your "ogo" for you back head nearly tear me into two. You wey I leave all your sister dey carry, me wey make sure say na ur money many pass wey you dey go school. Na me no fit stay your house abi? meanwhile your sisters dey take good care of me...sisters wey i leave concentrate on u.

barrack Obama: We all know girls take better care of their aging parents. It is why I wonder at the silliness of insisting on and preferring a male child. If it is the name, i can make sure the girls add "Obama" to their names as women are doing on facebook all over the world. nevertheless mama, I will try my best to take care of you...

Mama Barrack: If you want try your best, carry Michelle enter room now make una gimme boy pikin. If the third time no work, Mama Kipketer get one fine girl. her name na "ogwoguvwevwi" (meaning wrecker of homes). we call her "Oghwo"for shot. You can call her "oghwo darling". I go bring am come make she do housegirl for Michelle. If night reach, na u know how u go dey creep go her room. I hear say Terminator abi na Commando abi na Arnold Swarchzenneger do like that with one woman. That na calabar style.

Michelle: Mama, I can wash all the plates. I do not need a housegirl

Mama Barrack. Okay, Michelle no worry. I no go bring am come your house. iBarraki, when you dey come Kenya? I go keep the girl wait you. No worry, I go take care of am. na just make u dey carry this your private jet abi na AirForce One come Kenya on code come "brokware". that is all.

Barrack Obama: Mamaaaaaaaaaa

Mama Obama: Eh. I done pack my load. I dey go house tomorrow. If I chop your wife food, she fit go poison me
. I done buy bread keep for my "osumabe". (To Michelle) Michelle abi na Michellin tire,, if u no go born boy, ready to pack comot. Next time i come, na with all him sisters and you will pack your load and go in Jesus name. AMEN!!!

Barrack Obama: You keep screaming GOD GOD and never missing Church and yet you are not showing love and understanding to my wife. You are not doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. I know a lot of the money I send to you, you give it as "seed" for me to have a male child or for my wife to pack out. Mama, i am satisfied with all God has done for me. It was his will that a black man like me become president in a country where many people still see you as no better than a monkey. If it is his will that I have only girls, I embrace it gladly. "OMOTEJOKWO", a girl is a human being.

The above was published with the permission of the author Ena Ofugara.

Please leave your comments below for the author.

“M” is for “Mother” – My Review of Skyfall

Finally! I got to see the 23^rd James Bond movie, Skyfall and I was not disappointed. Directed by Academy Award winner, Sam Mendes (American Beauty) and written by the usual suspects Neal Purvis and Robert Wade, together with John Logan, Skyfall marks a half century of Bond movies, and quite naturally my expectations were high, especially following the debacle that was Quantum of Solace.

Once again, just like Licence to Kill and Die Another Day, it was personal. Bond was not out to just save the world but was also on a mission of a personal nature, made personal by the real threat to his surrogate mother, M and her MI6 family.  And just like in The World Is Not Enough he has to rescue and protect M from a villain who blames her for his suffering at the hands of Britain’s enemies. We get to see Daniel Craig grow into the role of Bond; he is less cocky and made more aware of his mortality. Bond seems tired yet determined as he comes back from retirement to serve his queen (read as mother) and country.

A flawed agent, Bond has to do battle with another flawed agent and former but elder brother-at-arms (Alec Trevelyan in Goldeneye, anyone?) who was also nursed at M’s breast, a former MI6 agent, Raoul Silva. Silva played excellently well by Javier Bardem at long last gives us a villain worthy of facing Bond. The previous three (not counting Le Chiffre) were poor poor villains. Raoul Silva – bleached blonde hair and all – very quickly reminds you of The Joker, Max Zorin and Jaws in one particular scene, but where they appear almost comical and crazy like, Silva is not. He is a very intelligent man and like a son betrayed unto death by his mother, he sets out to exact his vengeance. His Spanish-flavoured English lends a certain appeal but also has a dangerous edge to it. Indeed, Raoul Silva is a man to be fearful of.

But why doesn’t Bond ever crack or betray M? In Die Another Day he was left at the hands of the North Koreans and was tortured for over a year; in Casino Royale, Le Chiffre almost emasculated him. Where most agents would have held a grudge against the Empire, Bond never ever does even when his wife was killed by Blofeld. So what makes James Bond so faithful and loyal? I daresay he is a mama’s boy. Bond is M’s favourite who sees his mother as imperfect but in the end she knows best.

Truth be told, Skyfall is rather formulaic and borrows plot lines from previous Bond movies. Revenge. Betrayal. And the villain practically giving himself up to gain access to the new MI6 headquarters (hmm.... reminds me of a certain superhero movie). Initially hampered by budget constraints ($200mm), Skyfall still ekes a beautiful production. It boasts great cinematography and visual effects. The cityscapes of Shanghai, the rooftops of Istanbul and London are eye catching and lovely to behold. The action scenes are done just right with just the right amount of intensity for they never go over the top.  

The acting is quite good by everyone and a special mention goes to Javier Bardem. However, the chemistry between Bond and Eve (Naomie Harris) is not quite there but perhaps this was deliberate as this relationship is one that is never meant to be “quite there”. I also noticed that this time the focus was a lot less on Daniel Craig as Bond but it was rather on Bond as Bond. After the first 30 minutes I stopped trying to second guess myself as to whether Daniel Craig was still a good Bond.

Skyfall very successfully reintroduces Bond to us by providing more details into his past, what is must have been like for him growing up at Skyfall, the almost Bruce Waynesque loss of his parents, and his coming of age in the tunnels of his boyhood home. Both the audience and Bond himself are reintroduced to a new quartermaster, Q (Ben Whishaw) who promises to be one for the new millennium, nerdy, techie but cool.  

Another reintroduction is that of the iconic Aston Martin DB5 used in Goldfinger; and Moneypenny, M’s secretary and James’ almost-girlfriend and lover in a brilliant twist at the end of the film. Quite naturally, I expected Ralph Fiennes to have a bigger role and the man once touted to be the “next Bond” does. *wink*

So as the curtain falls on Dame Judi Dench’s M, we applaud and say goodbye to a strong woman, an efficient leader who faced danger with every step, and took the hardest and toughest decisions; the only woman to perhaps match Bond himself, and chronology notwithstanding, the first Bond girl, his mother “M”.

PS: Skyfall has grossed $321mm worldwide since its October 29, 2012 premiere.

Vote for your favourite Bond actor below.

I also added a brief history of James Bond via the guys at CableTV.com, click on the graphic to hyperlink/maximise:

Via: CableTV.com