Why My Pastor Needs a Private Jet

Church: Halleluyah!!!!!!!!!

Brother: Actually I will be talking on the topic, "Why my pastor needs a Private Jet." I believe you have not exhausted your daily quotas of 'Amen' because you'll need to say 'Amen' repeatedly as we go along.

Children of God, it is time for global revival! The church in Nigeria is to carry this end-time message around the world and she needs tools! My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel with teaching appointments in many countries and this work is far too important to be left to airline schedules.

You see, my Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“Catholic”) Italy. Italy ranks 1st globally in Maternal Mortality. Just 4 women die in Italy in 100,000 births in a whole year. In Nigeria, about 50,000 women die due to Childbirth annually. In fact, Nigeria is 2nd globally with the highest maternal mortality rate and contributes 10 per cent to the world’s total maternal deaths. My Pastor needs a private jet from members without health care to go and teach the Italians how to live in health and deliver safely.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“liberal”) America. America ranks first in GDP globally, whilst Nigeria ranks 43rd through oil exports. My pastor needs a private jet from members who produce nothing to go teach hard work to the Americans.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“permissive”) Sweden. Sweden was top 3 in the last Corruption Index whilst Nigeria ranked 143 out of 182 countries. My pastor needs a private jet gotten from the proceeds of corruption to go and teach the Swedes how to be righteous.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“immoral”) Brazil. Brazil ranks 2nd globally in actualizing development goals whilst Nigeria ranks 90 out of 133 in making development progress. My pastor needs a private jet from a stagnant people to go teach Brazilians how to move forward.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“Shinto”) Japan. Japan ranks 2nd globally in life expectancy whilst Nigeria ranks 185 out of 202. My pastor needs a private jet from people who die needlessly, daily and before their time, to go pray for the Japanese to live long.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“communist”) North Korea. North Korea ranked 1st in Adult Literacy globally whilst Nigeria ranked 129th! My pastor needs a private jet from an illiterate congregation to go impart knowledge to the Koreans. (Cuba 2nd)

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“atheist”) China. China ranks 1st in the world in High Tech Exports, whilst Nigeria ranks 90th. My pastor needs a private jet from members who work in Chinese companies to go teach the Chinese how to be productive.

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“unchristian”) Israel. Israel has the world’s most developed R&D sector, whilst Nigeria ranks 90th globally in Research. My pastor needs a private jet from members who discover and develop nothing to go teach the Israelis divine inspiration

My Pastor needs a private jet to spread the gospel to (“Buddhist”) Thailand. Thailand has an unemployment rate of less than 1% of its population, whilst in Nigeria it’s as high as 40%. My pastor needs a private jet from a jobless congregation to go teach the Thais how to be gainfully employed.


Yes, my pastor needs a private jet, to take to the world what he has been unable to accomplish at home

(Look at my life, look your life, na who e clear say dey serve God? If we apply that philosophy here, all pastors will sit at home and pray for Nigeria which indeed is in dire straits. You cannot take coal to Newcastle, nor Sugar Cane to Brazil nor Christ to the very people that gave him to us).

Author unknown.

GIVING BIRTH TO JUST GIRLS...If Obama Was Truly African by ENA OFUGARA

GIVING BIRTH TO JUST GIRLS...If Obama Was Truly African by ENA OFUGARA

Seeing Obama walk up the stage with his two lovely daughters had me imagining things and laughing yet saddened... saddened that till date, women who, through no fault of theirs, gave birth to just female children suffer still.

I just imagined that Obama's mother was African. Suspend belief for a while and go with me down this lane. If you are Nigerian, the following conversation between Michelle Obama and fictional Mama Obama and Barrack Obama will be easy to relate to.

This is probably happening to a woman (and man) you know.

ENJOY...or think.

LOCATION: WHITE HOUSE. INT: NIGHT

Mama Obama wakes Michelle up and calls her into the sitting area

Mama Obama: Ehen Michelle, how body

Michelle: I am fine ma.

Mama Obama: Na your turn. Now you ask me how my own body

Michelle: What is wrong ma? Are you sick? Do you want money? What is it?

Mama Obama: You dey ask me abi? As you see Barrack Marry so, u no like am?

Michelle: I do not understand ma.

Mama Obama: If to say I no born boy, who u for marry? If to say na only girl pikin I born. Tell me

Michelle: Ma...

Mama Obama: No "ma" me there. Ma ma ma, your first pikin done reach to born and still I never see boy pikin wey go inherit this white house. As George Bush son inherit him papa post come become president, e no good?

Michelle: But Ma, we do not have a choice as to the sex of the child God gives to us. If we even believe science, it is Barrack as the man that determines the sex of the baby, if it will be a boy or a girl. It is he that has the Y and X chromosome.

Mama Obama: eh eh eh. Hold am there. You mean say my pikin "ameoma" (semen) no strong reach to born boy?Naim U dey talk????????

Michelle: It is not by strength of semen. It is God's choice

Mama Obama: So na me sin so tay God dey punish me say I no go carry pikin go circumsize abi? U dey call me sinner. (Shouts as she ties her head tie around her waist and calls Barrack Obama. Barrack comes out, tired from perhaps plans to bomb Iran)

Barrakiii, Barrakii, come hear wetin your wife dey talk. She say me I be sinner. She say your sperm no strong reach to born boy. She want make your papa name die. yeh yeh yeh yeh

Barrack Obama: Mama what is it again? I told you to please let this matter die. "Omotejokwo". A girl is a person as well.

Mama Obama: Ebabo!!! Me ta ro. I said it. I talk am say Michelle done use juju for you. I talk am. (Turns around and begins to pray in Mountain of fire style) Blood of Jesus. Blood of Jesus!!! Holy Ghost Fire!!! Burn them, burn them.Anybody that has used juju on my son,die! die!! die!!!

Barrack Obama: Mama, nobody used Juju on me. Bill Clinton has only one girl called Chelsea. I have two. What do u expect Bill's mother to do?

Mama Obama: (To Obama in a softer voice). Omo me. My pikin. You no dey hear wetin people dey talk? Them say you and Clinton na Illuminati. say na una boy pikin una take do the jazz wey make una president.

Barrack Obama: And u believe that nonsense?

Mama Obama: You know world people with their dirty mouth wey dem no dey brush. But no be say u do am oh. Just try born boy wey go inherit this big fine White House.

Barrack Obama: mama, this is not my house. In a few years I have to pack out. It is for the president of the United States.

Mama Obama: You see! If your boy pikin become president e bad? You know see Bush Pikin?

Barack Obama: What stops any of my girls from being presient if they work towards it? Hilary Clinton is someone's daughter and she will likely be the next president. My daughters are brilliant girls

Mama Obama: No dey put word for my mouth. I tell you say dem no brilliant? I say make u use one boy support them two make mind rest.

Barrack Obama: Mama, I have always supported women to be equal to men in the working place. It is this kind of behaviour that is making Chinese people to be commiting foeticide,

Mama Barrack: Fwety wetin

Barrack Obama: Foeticide. This is the killing of a foetus. In China you are allowed only one child and since a lot of parents prefer boys, they do scan to determine the sex of the unborn child and if it is a girl, they terminate the pregnancy. The girl-child is as important as the boy child. It is our battle in Pakistan and all over the world and what we are trying to achieve that girls be treated no different. It is why the whole world condemned the shooting of Malala Yousufza by Muslim extreemists. All this girl wanted was for girls to have education just like boys. thank God her life was spared. Mama, a girl can be whatever if you give them same opportunities.

Mama Barrack: (Hand on head) EGBELUGHE!!! You say boy pikin and girl pikin na the same? You no hear say for Benin na only boy dey inherit Igiogbe which is the house a man stayed? You want make other people inherit all this your property abi???

Barrack Obama: I am a lawyer just like my wife. I know the Benin tradition. If a man does not want his son to inherit his house, he can sell the house while alive to any of his children and pack out and rent a flat. If the house is not his at time of death, it cannot be inherited by a stupid son.

mama Obama: So na this one i send you go law school go read abi? All the garri I fry take train you, na how u no go take born boy you dey plan abi?

Michelle: Mama, we did not plan not to have boys. I believe in what God has given me. The children are gold to me

Mama Obama: (to Michelle) As I never turn face you, you no go quiet abi? If you use the book wey them say you know well well take born boy e bad???

Barrack Obama: mama, I have a country to run, I need to sleep. You are disturbing us seriously

Mama Obama: Me dey disturb you? For how many days I done dey here wey I take dey disturb you??? No be your sister dey take care of me since? You, I never come your house reach one week, you done dey drive me. Meanwhile you wife mama dey come here stay one year.

Barrack Obama: It is because you never let my wife rest.

Mama Obama: I talk am. Your wife na weeeeeeensh. She done turn you against me. Me wey before you come outside wey I dey born you, this your "ogo" for you back head nearly tear me into two. You wey I leave all your sister dey carry, me wey make sure say na ur money many pass wey you dey go school. Na me no fit stay your house abi? meanwhile your sisters dey take good care of me...sisters wey i leave concentrate on u.

barrack Obama: We all know girls take better care of their aging parents. It is why I wonder at the silliness of insisting on and preferring a male child. If it is the name, i can make sure the girls add "Obama" to their names as women are doing on facebook all over the world. nevertheless mama, I will try my best to take care of you...

Mama Barrack: If you want try your best, carry Michelle enter room now make una gimme boy pikin. If the third time no work, Mama Kipketer get one fine girl. her name na "ogwoguvwevwi" (meaning wrecker of homes). we call her "Oghwo"for shot. You can call her "oghwo darling". I go bring am come make she do housegirl for Michelle. If night reach, na u know how u go dey creep go her room. I hear say Terminator abi na Commando abi na Arnold Swarchzenneger do like that with one woman. That na calabar style.

Michelle: Mama, I can wash all the plates. I do not need a housegirl

Mama Barrack. Okay, Michelle no worry. I no go bring am come your house. iBarraki, when you dey come Kenya? I go keep the girl wait you. No worry, I go take care of am. na just make u dey carry this your private jet abi na AirForce One come Kenya on code come "brokware". that is all.

Barrack Obama: Mamaaaaaaaaaa

Mama Obama: Eh. I done pack my load. I dey go house tomorrow. If I chop your wife food, she fit go poison me
. I done buy bread keep for my "osumabe". (To Michelle) Michelle abi na Michellin tire,, if u no go born boy, ready to pack comot. Next time i come, na with all him sisters and you will pack your load and go in Jesus name. AMEN!!!

Barrack Obama: You keep screaming GOD GOD and never missing Church and yet you are not showing love and understanding to my wife. You are not doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. I know a lot of the money I send to you, you give it as "seed" for me to have a male child or for my wife to pack out. Mama, i am satisfied with all God has done for me. It was his will that a black man like me become president in a country where many people still see you as no better than a monkey. If it is his will that I have only girls, I embrace it gladly. "OMOTEJOKWO", a girl is a human being.

The above was published with the permission of the author Ena Ofugara.

Please leave your comments below for the author.