Ranking My Top Films of 2017!

Phew!! What can I say about films in 2017?! In summary, it was The Year of the Colon. Colon?! Yes, the “:” punctuation mark and that other part of the body that is responsible for making shit.

Quite a few films that came out this year featured the colon: giving us a year featuring yet again an abundance of remakes, reboots and sequels, thanks to the expansion of highly bankable comic universes. Adaptations were not left out either as they featured prominently: I mean, why create something original when you can just adapt an existing story format for the big screen, eh?

For perspective on my list we have the following:

• 2 reboots
• 6 remakes
• 10 adaptations
• 11 sequels
• 15 original features 

 And I am happy to mention that our very own Nollywood made the cut!

So, let’s get right into it shall we? But first a bit of explaining is in order… Each time I do this I try to clearly state the criteria that guides my ranking so as not to confuse, befuddle and surprise the casual reader or movie-watcher, critic or buff as to my choice of one film over the other in a ranked listing.

So again, the criteria for the list is:

1. 2017 films I watched (including Netflix Originals)
2. Entertainment Value
3. Plot
4. Expectations Met

And here we go….

44. Mr. and Mrs.: Chapter 2

The supposed sequel to the Nollywood film Mr. & Mrs. was a mistake and I really should have known better than to allow myself be dragged to see this, but it was a slow week at the cinemas. DO NOT WATCH.

43. The Guest

We have another Nollywood flick! The premise although unoriginal made sense. it featured two of Nollywood’s hottest properties, Rita Dominic and Femi Jacobs but what began as a psychological thriller ended up as a lampoon. I mean I had talked 3 of my colleagues into seeing this. “Let’s give it a chance”, I argued. And we did, spending the last 30 minutes of screen time laughing our heads off and infecting others in the hall. No.

42. The Dark Tower

Stephen King was most definitely the content provider for Hollywood in 2017 but not every adaptation does justice to its source material. If you have read the Dark Tower books you had to be amped for the film but from the get-go I had a problem with the choice of casting: I felt that Roland Deschain’s role should have gone to Matthew McConaughey and The Man in Black to Idris Elba. Ultimately, it was the omission of Susannah and Eddie’s characters from the film that were a clear indication that this was going to be a poor one. And it was. I understand that there are talks to make it a TV series which I hope can do justice to the story of The Gunslinger.

41. King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword

Oh, the previews fooled us all! And anyone who says King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword by the great Guy Ritchie (yes, he is still great) is a good film deserves to have his opinion shoved up his/her nose.

40. Sleepless

What went wrong with this film? Featuring Jamie Foxx, Michelle Monaghan, Dermot Mulroney, Gabrielle Union and T.I. this film ought to have rocked, but star power was not enough to prevent me from wishing I had chosen to sleep instead.

39. Alien: Covenant

Ridley Scott should give up already. Why do they keep making crap Alien movies?!! Prometheus was crap and this one was just a non-event in my opinion.

38. Alakada Reloaded

YES! YES!! I went to the cinema to see this. I mean after being inundated with the previews it seemed good for a few laughs (Nigerian comedy style) and it was; a bit overdone but it did its job.

37. 1922

An adaptation of a Stephen King novella, 1922 features Thomas Jane in an unrecognizable look. He plays the role of a farmer who kills his wife to inherit her land when she insists on selling it. I expected to be terrified, but it ended up being long drawn and a rather weak horror film.

36. Security

Antonio Banderas is a former marine who takes on the job of a mall cop only for a small army of bad guys to invade the mall on his first day in pursuit of a teenage witness. Hey, its Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley with some other unknowns! 😊

35. 6 Days

Based on true events, 6 Days is the story of the 1980 hostage situation at the Iranian embassy in London. 6 Days features good performances by Mark Strong and Jamie Bell and Abbie Cornish as the strangest looking and sounding television reporter I have ever seen on the screen.

34. xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

It took more than 10 years and we don’t care for how his being alive was explained but Xander Cage returned to the big screen!!! I mean the first two films were made for boys and young men like me and this featured a multi-ethnic cast including Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Tony Jaa, Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson and Toni Collette. And oh yeah, watch out for the cameo by Neymar.

33. The Mummy

The Mummy wasn’t that bad was it? It may have had one or two failings, but you guys kept comparing it to all the other Mummy movies ever made!! I dug it and I am really looking forward to the proposed “supernatural monsters’ universe”. Go Tom Cruise! 😄

32. Banana Island Ghost

Full disclosure: the producer is a friend. A very ambitious endeavour which could have been edited better for easier continuity but okay performances from Chigurl and the rest of the cast made for a few laughs. Ehen! I have never seen the Lagos lagoon looks so blue!

31. Bright

Flogged by Netflix, Bright held some promise going by the previews, but this movie was one act short of a mess. A mash up of several genres that sought to mirror existing social orders it still managed to fall flat with its ever so predictable plot. The Will Smith magic made it work for me plus Joel Edgerton did his best with the dumb script. My favourite beings were the Orcs who made the Elves look tame despite their supposed superiority. A sequel is in the offing, so it might just get better.

30. Going in Style

Three geriatrics and friends (Oscar winners Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Alan Arkin) decide to rob a bank that has played a part in shafting them of the rewards of their hard-working lives. Feel good stuff based on an original 1979 film.

29. Naked

Marlon Wayans-meets-you’re not good enough to marry my daughter-meets-Groundhog Day. A laugh a minute, Naked sees Marlon Wayans wake up butt naked in a lift and late to his own wedding without a clue to how he ended up there. Naked which co-stars Regina Hall, Dennis Haysbert, Scott Foley, Eliza Coupe and Loretta Devine was very entertaining and was one of the better Netflix films for the year.

28. Fist Fight

Possibly the only other film to feature Ice Cube this year, Fist Fight is the tale of two teachers who spend the last day of the school year antagonizing each other based on perceived slights leading to an after-school showdown! Fist Fight is originally refreshing.

27. Logan

What can I say? Insipid and unoriginal. I had very high expectations for the third Wolverine installment only to be met with the superhero version of every Jean Claude van Damme film since Cyborg! WTH?!!! To everyone else that said that this was not a superhero film – no, it’s not!!! Logan was sad, sad, sad and so cliché ridden, I have decided to blot it from my memory all together. It is only out of respect for Hugh Jackman and Wolverine that is ranks so highly and yes, it is the lowest ranking superhero film on this list.

26. Murder on the Orient Express

It’s murdah on the senses!!! But I am a sucker for whodunnits and Agatha Christie is the queen of them all. Throw in an ensemble cast directed by Kenneth Branagh and it passes.

25. Kingsman: The Golden Circle

More like The Golden Meh. We have had better Gold Circle ads than this film! I had such high expectations! The first part was mad!!! This one was just madness. I blame director Matthew Vaughn for succumbing to the pressure to “Americanize” what should have remained a British National Treasure. Everything about this sequel was lame…Eggsy’s relationship, Hart’s amnesia, the entire American Statesman agency and the lamest villain since Quantum of Solace’s Dominic Greene. The only character I liked was the US President.

24. Baby Driver

This should just have been called “Baby” as it had a lot less driving than anticipated. I was expecting to see an Edgar Wright twist on The Transporter or something, instead it became an artistic piece. Loved the colors and cinematography though and Jamie Foxx as a baddie. Jon Hamm did try to shine here too. Looking forward to seeing Ansel Elgort in more movies. Great plot and a remake might do it justice.

23. Atomic Blonde

Picture John Wick as a more intelligent CIA agent who goes behind the Berlin Wall to extract a database of secret agents while sporting heels, boobs and a blonde wig. Yup, that’s Atomic Blonde, a long ass movie that could have been way shorter for a better ride and more impactful plot twist at the end. Starring Charlize Theron, James McAvoy and John Goodman.

22. Spider-man: Homecoming

Our second Marvel and Superhero movie of the list and yet another reboot of the twice now rebooted Spider-man franchise. A good one and just thankful to Sony for making this happen - a Spider-man film for Generation Zzzzz…

21. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

This movie annoyed me…but not as much as Logan did. It is not a good sequel in my opinion coming from a first installment that made everyone forget about Avengers 2. Marvel should do better with the Guardians going forward.

And who did not make the Top 10 but made the Twenties and Teenies?...

20. War for the Planet of the Apes

Well War ran too long, the first act was ok, second meh and final cliché ridden. I slept off watching this. To be fair, the series has done better than expected and I think it's time it's laid to rest along with Caesar.

19. Kong: Skull Island

Samuel L. Jackson, Loki, Toby Kebbell, John Goodman, Dude from 24, The Walking Dead and Straight Outta Compton, Shea Wingham, an uninhabited jungle island, guns, choppers and the biggest ape of them all, King Kong! This had all the ingredients for a monster hit but still managed to be less exciting than the 3-hour long Peter Jackson one.

18. The Babysitter

LMAO! This was campy, horror schlock at its best. I loved it! The characterizations were well done with adequate build up to the horrific events of the night. Netflix and director, McG did well with this horror genre. Quite a few laughs amidst all the blood.

17. Geostorm

Hmmm…I liked the premise, again I am a huge fan of Gerald Butler, they had like 2 Nigerians in bit roles, Ed Harris, Andy Garcia, a livelier Abbie Cornish, that annoying dude from Misfits, an electric car, disaster porn and space station mishaps. What’s not to like? 

16. Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge/Dead Men Tell No Tales

I am tempted to write this in lisp! The 5^th PoTC film is reminiscent of the first as it goes back to the ghost story/curse plot, which endeared the first film to many before it went off on a box office bomb defying tangent which each successive instalment grating the nerves a bit more than the last. I like the story and the acting. We had mini-Elizabeth Swan and mini-Will Turner, Javier Bardiem in a very convincing literal psycho-ghost-mode and Johnny Depp doing his Jack Sparrow thing to the best of his abilities. Great visuals too.

15. Kalushi

I saw this at this year’s Lights Camera Action film festival in Lagos. Based on a true story, Kalushi is the story of Solomon Kalushi Mahlangu, a 19-year-old South African who having experienced apartheid in 1907s Soweto becomes militarized to take the fight to the Boer, his first mission and trial for murders he was found guilty of by association and the impact it had on the anti-apartheid struggle.

14. Thor: Ragnarok

Thor: Ragnarok is either a very good film or a very tepid one and I chose to go with very good. It had laughs, I got to see The Hulk and Cate Blanchett’s Hela was fire. Easily the best Thor film in the series. Thank you Mr. Waititi.

13. Justice League

I was expecting a flop to be honest but Justice League though not perfect was a solid film and provides a more than adequate platform for the Justice League movies. It is the only other bright star in an otherwise dark DC Cinematic Universe, thanks to Joss Whedon.

12. The Hitman’s Bodyguard

The Loudmouth meets The Motormouth. LOL. But The Hitman’s Bodyguard to me paid homage to all the “unlikely partners-buddie” films that they don’t make any more. It had all the trappings of good action flicks from a by-gone era and I genuinely enjoyed it. Hey, it had Samuel L., Ryan Reynolds, Salma Hayek and Gary Oldman, so yeah it was good.

11. Kidnap

The underrated movie of the year, Kidnap deserves a lot more everything good than it got. It gripped me from start to finish with Halle Berry giving one of her best performances ever as a mother on a high-speed car chase to keep her kidnapped son in her sights. Too bad the legal issues prevented this from becoming a hit.

And now the elite Top 10!

10. Okafor’s Law

I enjoyed every bit of this as it exceeded my expectations! LMAO! Great performances by everyone and kudos to Omoni Oboli for producing and directing this.

PS: I had a waka pass role in this! Erm, no you don’t see my face but at all at all na im bad pass :D

9. Gerald’s Game

I loved it!!! Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood were excellent! Beautifully paced, with very effective cinematography, director Mike Flanagan’s adaptation of this Stephen King novel is worthy of praise. A must-watch and really should be ranking higher on this list. A cautionary tale on why I don’t and probably never will do handcuffs in the bedroom.

8. iBoy

Based on a 2010 book by Kevin Brooks. A shooting leaves a London teenager with powers that revolve around the iPhone he had with him when he was shot. He uses his new-found abilities to hunt those responsible for the rape of his friend. iBoy is a modern and realistic take on the teenage super-hero genre involving social issues of our time. It’s so simple and yet brilliant and had me wondering why it took so long for it to be made.

7. Girls Trip

Laughs, laughs and more laughs! It lived up to the hype! It was good seeing black women winning on the big screen. I went around with a smile on my face for weeks after I saw it.

6. Wonder Woman

Take a bow Patty Jenkins! Wonder Woman achieved what DC and Warner Bros have been trying to do since the last Batman film. Wonder Woman was a spectacle, an edifice and a message which the whole world heard.

5. Dunkirk

How do you make a film that’s not just a visual masterpiece but an auditory one? How do you depict one of the most compelling stories of the human spirit in the face of death with a modicum of dialogue and do it so well, the scenes stay with you long after you’ve left the theatre? Christopher Nolan is still the man.

4. It

You know It had to be in the top 10. The film adaptation of the Stephen King bestseller was epic. The acting, the pacing, the terror all conspired to deliver what was one of my best films of the year. It was a success both critically and financially. It is what Stranger Things wants to be.

3. The Lego Batman Movie

This entire animated film was satire and a pop culture parody fest! I laughed from beginning to the end! Great work by Chris McKay, Seth Grahame-Smith and Chris McKenna. Lego Batman reminds us of two things: that although DC/Warner have struggled with the movie adaptations of their comic properties, they rule the other media (animation and TV); also, that Batman/Bruce Wayne is by far the best character in the DC universe.

2. John Wick: Chapter 2

More headshots!

More tailored suits!

More beautiful women!

More car chases!

More gun-fu!

More hand-to-hand combat!

More improbable sub-plots!

Seeing Laurence Fishburne and Keanu Reeves in the same film since The Matrix Trilogy

Common, Ian McShane and the legendary Franco Nero!

Movie orgasm after orgasm!

We love John Wick!!!

1. Get Out

Jordan Peele is the year’s money maker! A critical (99% score on Rotten Tomatoes, and yes fuck you to whomever lowered its perfect score!) and commercial hit, Get Out for me was the year’s stand out film. A simple story that meshed together several genres to serve a tongue in cheek but harsh critique of racial issues in today’s America. Get Out is the epitome of the African American man’s nightmare. With great and subtle acting by everyone, you’re tensed but you don’t know why you are and at the end you laugh is away but with a never ending, acrid vestige trickling down your throat.

So, there you have it! My ranking of the 2017 films I got to watch. Like it or not, share and leave a comment below.